


Life After

by sian1359



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst, Drama, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-02
Updated: 2009-12-02
Packaged: 2017-10-04 03:07:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sian1359/pseuds/sian1359
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Picking up after season five ended.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Life After

**Author's Note:**

> Originally published in the 2009 Constricted By Plot fanzine. Auburnnothenna performed the miracles, leaving me responsible for the screw ups.

**Life After**

 

**-5**

**March 13, 2009**

**Earth**

 

John Sheppard woke to the too familiar sensations of his body not wanting to cooperate including his eyelids -- especially his eyelids -- and took in the familiar smells of bleach overlaying blood along with the beeps and hisses that made him wonder how he'd ever been sleeping. He slowly, carefully, rolled his head across the pillow toward the surprisingly _comforting_ sound of fingers clacking steadily on a keyboard and managed to slit his eyes open. For once the lights weren't too bright -- or he was on the good drugs since everything seemed pretty muted: pain, the light, his thoughts, … any memory of why he'd be in the infirmary.

 

"Hey, you're awake," Rodney raised his head up from his computer screen and smiled.

 

Rodney looked tired but not exhausted, and not really all that worried either so John could assume whatever had landed him here hadn't been particularly serious. Plus, neither Teyla nor Ronon were hanging around like they would have been had things been life threatening. John supposed he could have been out of it long enough that his team was taking turns sitting vigil but, no, while he felt a heavy rasp along his jaw when he'd turned his head, his beard wasn't a culmination of more than an extra day or so from his last shave. Any time more, after all, would have had one of the nurses shaving him.

 

"What happened?" John tried to ask and managed to get his mouth open, but little more than that. He and Rodney had done this often enough, however, from both sides of the bed that it didn't matter. Rodney reached for the half-filled glass near John's bedside without having to be asked, and also started in on an explanation.

 

"You're fine, considering," Rodney let his frown pull down the left side of his mouth while he raised the glass to John's lips. "An in and out as you call it, that missed the bone but it wasn't just a scrape this time and what, do you have a fucking magnet in your left arm?"

 

Jesus! He'd been shot?

 

"You needed surgery," Rodney continued.

 

That would explain John's overall feeling of detachment and him missing his chance to answer Rodney even though the question was rhetorical.

 

"And you sucked up a few liters of blood to replace what you'd lost before they could get you to surgery. With a few days of downtime and a couple of weeks of physical therapy, you should regain full range of movement and strength."

 

Now Rodney looked angry, normal in other words, given how he always blamed John for getting hurt as much as he did no matter how he'd gotten the injury. Underlying the exasperation, however, was something more like apprehension, or maybe even fear, and John felt a spike of his own sudden uneasiness; although it wasn't like Rodney to say things were okay if they weren't.

 

Rodney's words still weren't sparking any memories.

 

"And you have my sincere thanks, John," Rodney let the anxiousness take over his expression completely, not so much fearful then, just serious and heartfelt; something Rodney very rarely revealed just as he so rarely used John's given name.

 

"For protecting Jennifer and getting her out of that situation, for taking the bullet --"

 

Memory returned then in flashes. The senior staff called upon to entertain a collection of IOA visitors and other VIPs. Two of the new arrivals pulling guns and making threats while taking Teyla and Jennifer Keller as hostages to their demands.

 

John hadn't had his sidearm -- even Ronon had been asked by Woolsey to leave all visible weapons in his quarters. The standard Marine presence had been recast as a token honor guard instead of being allowed to fulfill their normal duty stations in protecting Atlantis, lest their visitors be intimidated or something equally asinine.

 

He remembered Woolsey and General Landry both trying to reason with the likely Trust agents, and the other IOA members and Military Brass either trying to flee or exert their own authority as if Woolsey was _scoring points_ against them_. _

And all of them in the _fucking_ way.

 

Only Teyla was no one's victim, not after Michael and especially not when she was separated from Torren and Kanaan by a galaxy. A shimmy and a twist, then a punch or a pressure squeeze or _some_thing, followed by the operative then wheezing and moaning, flailing and falling and losing hold of both Teyla and his gun. Being closest to her, Ronon moved to make sure Teyla's adversary stayed down, while John had used their distraction to close the distance and move in on the one holding Doctor Keller.

 

Keller at least had remembered enough of her self defense lessons to collapse as if fainting, forcing her own attacker to chose between dealing with her now dead weight or letting her fall, and in either case making herself more a burden than a bargaining chip. Unfortunately for John and Keller both, this particular guy recovered from his surprise a little quicker than anyone could have hoped. And was also ruthless or desperate enough to move to his end game and start shooting even though it would ensure his own death.

 

Covering Keller's body with his own hadn't even been a question in John's mind, and all of the subsequent shots that followed that first into his shoulder had come from someone else: Ronon or Teyla using the other guy's gun, the Marines …

 

"Jennifer's okay, then?" John managed with only a small bout of coughing.

 

Once again Rodney brought the glass of ice chips up where John could slide one down his throat which had been savaged by the anesthetic. He nodded, looking as solemn as John had ever seen him. It was that same stricken expression on his face as when he'd told John what he'd done for Elizabeth with the Replicator nanites, or when he'd offered himself as sacrifice to Todd in order to save Jeanie.

 

John's heart and stomach plummeted in seeing it. "What, did Teyla or Ronon get hit --"

 

"Shit, no! Everyone else is okay," Rodney at least recognized what _John's_ expression was revealing. He stopped John's reflexive jerk upright, the glass of ice falling to the floor between them.

 

"Jesus. And you say I'm the cynic," Rodney groused as he helped John ease back, fussing a little then with John's pillow and the light blanket, unable, however, to hold onto his habitual accusation and scowl as well as refusing to meet John's eyes.

 

So something bad was still hanging out there between them.

 

John waited, letting Rodney gird his courage although the last thing John was feeling was relief or patience. The beeping of the heart monitor gave him away, causing Rodney go flush with guilt and then rush his words since the accelerated tone would be a clarion call for one of the infirmary doctors to swoop in on them and interrupt.

 

"The good news is that this blatant assault by the Trust has scared the IOA into realizing that Atlantis being here in the Milky Way could be more of a threat to Earth's safety than a boon," Rodney tried to smile. "So once you're up to taking a shift or two, you and Carson get to fly her home."

 

Okay, that was actually _good_ news and, frankly, even worth a bullet to the shoulder in John's mind. The six weeks they'd been stuck here after the Wraith's attempted invasion had been long and miserable, and not just because the word oversight had taken on a greatly expanded meaning.

 

"But, ah, the attack," Rodney uncharacteristically stuttered, "along with all of the other close calls Jennifer's had over the last year has _her_ scared too. So she's staying. Just on a sabbatical," he was trying to sound reassuring.

 

Perhaps a bit meanly, John really didn't see the downside to that either. He liked Keller well enough as a person and even as his primary physician, though he was still more comfortable with Carson. What he didn't like was that she was still too damn timid -- fragile even -- with the life they had in Pegasus to be part of the expedition's senior staff in his opinion, and this decision of her didn't do anything to change John's mind about that. He couldn't imagine what might happen should Atlantis somehow become cut off from Earth again.

 

"Okay," John said slowly. "It might be tough on your relationship, but if the two of you are really serious --"

 

"And I, um, I'm going to stay with her," Rodney dropped the other shoe, a goddamn size fifteen, lead-soled combat boot.

 

"It'll only be for six months, a year at the most and …"

 

And John couldn't respond, couldn't even conceive of Rodney giving up Atlantis -- even temporarily. Before he could get it together enough to ask what the fuck, Carson pulled back the curtain and bustled in, giving Rodney the opportunity to slip out.

 

To _leave_.

 

 

**-4**

**July 20, 2009**

**P7X-139**

 

Jesus fuck!

 

It was Kandahar all over again, only instead of sitting in the cockpit and helplessly watching an RPG absolutely _disintegrate_ Mitch and Dex's own chopper, John was watching Ronon fall back under a spray of blood and _brains_. And then John was screaming, louder than Teyla, louder too than their P90s spitting out bullets on full automatic. Louder even than the death cries of a handful, then tens and more of Michael's creatures, those fucking Gigeresque firstborn that they'd all thought killed on the Taranan's new planet, that they'd hoped were all gone along with the knowledge of how to create them gone with Michael's death.

 

Michael had always said he'd conducted his experiments on a variety of worlds, but they'd all thought he'd abandoned this end of them once he'd been able to successfully change the Athosians.

 

He and Teyla were too far away for either of them to even get there in time for Ronon to know he wasn't alone as he died, and John was going to fucking kill _Todd_ for bringing them in on this stupid mission; his and that Wraith's ill-advised alliance yet again causing someone else to pay for John's unholy luck. Killing all of these fuckers brought only a cold, temporary satisfaction, but it also meant that Teyla would survive, that _he'd_ survive and get Ronon's body away before it could be devoured, before --

 

Fuck, Todd had made it to Ronon's side and was bending over him, his feeding hand pressed against Ronon's chest. John didn't know if he should cry or laugh, if he should shoot or kiss Todd, and so help him if Todd --

 

"I can do nothing for his eye, but he will survive," Todd's sudden sigh stayed John's hand -- and Teyla's -- though only long enough for the two of them to drop down next to Ronon, neither of them noticing when Todd rose and backed away.

 

Thanks to the still not understood ability the Wraith had to _restore_ health and life instead of just stealing it, the slashes across the right side of Ronon's face were already closing, healing after a fashion although John suspected they would leave some form of scarring. The eye that had been clawed through was pulped, however, and John's stomach lurched despite seeing worse out on the sands of Afghanistan. It truly did make a world of difference when it was a friend.

 

He started fumbling for field dressings, maybe a little more concerned about hiding the damage than treating it, but Teyla didn't call him on that or on the way he was shaking when she took the bandages from his hands to assist him.

"We will need to ensure Ronon doesn't do himself harm when he awakens," was all that she said.

 

Of course she felt the same horror. Because _that_ worry wasn't going to end after they got Ronon back to Atlantis for treatment.

 

 

**-3**

**December 08, 2009**

**Atlantis**

 

"Well, we can't say that this comes as a surprise," Richard tapped a finger against the paper copy on his desk that he'd had Chuck print out from the bi-weekly databurst from Earth. "I suppose I should just be thankful they let me stay here as long as they did. And that they aren't recalling you, too."

 

John shifted uncomfortably in the face of Richard's regard, feeling relief and guilt in turn, as well as the same trepidation he'd experienced in going through this twice before. While he still felt Elizabeth Weir had been the best suited for commanding Atlantis and he'd found Samantha Carter surprisingly easy to work, even as a military officer, in time he'd discovered that Richard Woolsey was also quite worthy of his respect.

 

He was definitely going to miss the stuffy lawyer even without knowing who was going to be replacing him. So many of the scientists were pulling for Daniel Jackson, especially after they'd discovered even more Asgard outposts here in Pegasus to explore as well as the Ancient ones, but John couldn’t see them getting that lucky. Couldn't see the IOA being that practical about their bastard step-child, as they still thought of the Atlantis mission.

 

"Are they saying who's replacing you?"

 

Richard shook his head. "No, but I'm betting on Shen Xiaoyi. She's been eyeing my job ever since she was sent to conduct my first six month review, and China is definitely flexing its world leader muscles back home." He looked over the message again and suddenly frowned, which could bode no good.

 

"I'm sorry, John, but it also says here that you are being assigned a new XO. A Major Ryuk who, far from me sounding racist since he could have been born _anywhere_ outside of China, of course, despite his name, may also point to Shen's imminent arrival. I don't recall any Major Ryuk as coming up through one of the SGC teams, so perhaps he's the only sop China is getting this go around."

 

John only peripherally noted Richard's thinly veiled warning of the likely coming power struggle he would need to weather and his potential grounding to a desk job, instead stuck on the news that he was losing Evan Lorne. Sure, he could no doubt keep Evan here in Atlantis if he raised a fuss; Evan would undoubtedly accept the demotion and such a step back in his career, but John would be a shitty commanding officer and a shittier friend to ask.

 

"Can you make sure that Evan is taking care of back at the SGC?" John voiced the thoughts chasing around in his head. "He would already have been promoted to Lieutenant Colonel if he hadn't stayed here under me."

 

"I'll make it my last official act as the Mission Lead on Atlantis, John. Major Lorne won't be disregarded or dismissed because he pledged his loyalty to Atlantis and you instead of to his career."

 

John nodded, grateful and pissed and aching. For the most part they'd gotten away from Earth politics for most of six years, so it was hard to remember that this kind of shit was _normal_ for any international coalition. That Atlantis was just another duty station to the politicos and the brass. And, it seemed, _home_ to fewer and fewer people.

 

 

**-2**

**April 22, 2010**

**M9Y-743**

 

"Go ahead, Atlantis," Teyla transmitted as soon as she opened the comm relay in response to the steady beep that greeted the team's return to the 'jumper. Atlantis had dialed in while the team finished its courtesy call and were keeping the gate open while they waited for a response. Not unheard of yet not common either, and John had a moment of anxiety to go with his anticipation.

 

_"Colonel Sheppard, thank God!"_ Amelia's voice answered, sounding more relieved than panicked, fortunately so John could release the breath he'd unconsciously been holding.

 

_"Everything's fine here,"_ she answered his concern first,_ "but we've received an emergency transmission fifteen minutes ago for you from General Carter."_

John more felt than heard Ronon slide forward to grip the back of the seat at John's right shoulder, while from the corner of his eye he could see Teyla stiffen in anticipation herself. He could think of no reason -- certainly no _good_ reason -- for the head of the SGC to send him a private message outside of the monthly databurst. Anything career- wise would come through Xiaoyi even if Sam was his commanding officer as far as the Air Force was concerned, and it should have been the same with something regarding the workings of the SGC, Atlantis, or just more stupid IOA decisions.

 

Sam had already delivered the obvious _personal_ news to him years ago although, John supposed, something could have happened to Dave. But unless his brother suddenly needed John's kidney or something similar, even another death notice wouldn't generate such a message outside of established channels when he'd been due back on Atlantis in less than an hour.

 

"Send it through, Em," John couldn't help but use Ronon's pet name for her even though those two were no longer together; team nights had turned into something different, something broader once Atlantis had been able to come home to Pegasus (and Teyla to Kanaan and Torren) last year. Even though John had been the odd man out to the two couples, a new and comfortable enough rapport had been established between the five of them the he could almost forget there should have been a sixth.

 

While he had little doubt that Amelia was keeping the message encrypted on her side, keeping it private for John and away from Xiaoyi's too eager ear (although no doubt he'd hear about the _unnecessary_ secrecy from Xiaoyi later as John's rapport with Atlantis' newest civilian head was not quite as easy), he had no reason to wait until his return to Atlantis to hear it even _though _that would only be another ten minutes or so; anything Sam needed to say to him could be said in front of Ronon and Teyla.

 

_"Roger, Colonel,"_ came Amelia's sharp response:

 

_"John, you need to get back to the SGC as soon as you can make the arrangements,"_ Sam's voice followed Amelia's to echo throughout the 'jumper. _"It's Rodney and you're still listed as his medical proxy. You're authorized to use Midway, access code Eomer, which will be good for the next seventy-two ho -- "_

 

John didn't wait for the message to finish, the jumper abruptly accelerating in response to his thoughts while his fingers started punching in the symbols that would start them on the contained transit route between Pegasus and Earth through the newly rebuilt (and renamed) Carter-McKay Intergalactic Gate Bridge.

 

"Em," he cut off the incoming transmission with a growl, "just squirt the rest of the message then let your gate close. Oh, and let Xiaoyi know we'll be in touch." He gave little thought as to how his effectively going AWOL was going to be received by his boss, and wasn't sure if he'd be happier to find out that Amelia's simple 'good luck' before following his orders and freeing the gate was in credit to his leadership style instead of a slight against Xiaoyi's; he wasn't the only one who found Shen Xiaoyi abrasive and petty.

 

Not that he cared for his own sake; but he wouldn't want to see any more of his people being sent home or leaving because of personality conflicts or misplaced loyalty.

Rodney might have been able to walk away from Atlantis and his team -- from John -- thirteen months and nine days ago, but John would never be so lucky. Nor did he need to consult with Teyla or Ronon to know that they were a hundred percent behind him in this decision no matter what it might mean when they got back to Atlantis. It wasn't as if their rapport with Xiaoyi was any better than his, especially when Ronon was pretty much relegated to training Marines and going on milk-runs with what was left of his old team due to the loss of his eye, while Teyla was allowed on only a few more missions -- primarily established trade ones -- with John and whatever  team  was up on  the  rotation since he'd not been allowed to reestablish his own.

 

Still, the feel of Ronon's hand on his shoulder from behind, and Teyla's hand against his fingers across the console, brought a warm reassurance and comfort as they passed through the 'gate.

 

After access to the first multi-gate McKay-Carter Intergalactic Bridge had been uncovered and used by the Wraith to nearly overrun Stargate Command two years previous, its two _month_ old replacement wasn't nearly as quick, nor the simple and convenient transit from gate to gate to gate thirty-four different times. The first two gates in the new sequence were again from one to the other directly, but accessing the third gate actually necessitated them flying for most of an hour to its reassigned orbital location, a pattern that was then staggered thrice more through eleven additional gates before they reached the new midway point. Midway this time wasn't actually a multi-billion dollar replacement quarantine and research station, but simply a relay satellite set up to accept John's command and Sam's counter code, that then generated back a random gate address that would be their penultimate endpoint for more code checks after transiting through fourteen more gates over five more hours.

 

That they ended up coming through the final gate into SGC's back-up command center on the Alpha site on Revanna implied that Sam had done more than select the current set of access code names. And never had John been happier to see Evan Lorne through his cockpit window waiting for them instead of someone John didn't know someone who might have insisted on applying the new quarantine protocols while John argued and verified that they did have emergency clearance, thus wasting hours more.

 

_"I told Sam you weren't going to wait for authorization,"_ Evan buzzed them from his spot in the control room overlook, shaking his head and then signaling that he had it under control to whomever he'd temporally usurped command from, before disappearing out of view at a jog. _"I barely got here before you did. Open up and I'll ride back with you."_

 

Ronon moved before John could, getting up and hitting the manual release, then waiting to envelope Evan into a bear hug that left Evan sputtering and laughing though he sobered quickly enough when the two of them returned to the cockpit. Evan took the seat behind Teyla and tapped his radio while John began dialing Earth's stargate.

 

"Code Urban, if you please," Evan signaled the observation deck to provide John's final authorization to return to Earth. "And Laura, I'll make sure someone sends back word," he finished even as he entered his own IDC to insure that the Earth shield was dropped for their arrival. He then switched channels when the 'gate opened before them.

 

"Chuck, I've got our prodigals. Let us in."

 

"_Roger and welcome Colonel … Colonels._"

 

"Laura?" John had to ask as he nudged the 'jumper into Cheyenne Mountain, though he was pretty sure he knew, just as he wasn't surprised to see Chuck now working the gate room here after Walter's retirement. Sam hadn't so much poached Atlantis personnel as took advantage of their leaving; like tapping Evan as her own XO when she got command of the SGC. Technically he was the officer in charge of all gate teams, but everyone was getting pretty used to going to him for other command matters, too, as Sam hadn't been able to completely give up her research roots.

 

"Cadman," Evan confirmed as John carefully lifted the jumper up and over the gate to the makeshift hanger the SGC had finally set up for incoming puddle jumpers even if such travel between Atlantis and Cheyenne Mountain was still uncommon.

 

"She's a Captain now and has taken the next six month posting in command of the Alpha site prior to getting her own gate team. I told her why I was going to be on her doorstep for a few days, of course, and she sends her own well wishes for Rodney's recovery."

 

The hanger room had its own squad of airmen keeping an wary eye on them as they followed Evan down the 'jumper's ramp, reminding John that stopping in Atlantis first for something other than Xiaoyi's approval might not have been the worst idea. Though they obviously certainly weren't the first gate team to return to Earth looking like they'd just come off a hard and dirty twenty hour mission.

 

"Do you know what has happened to Rodney," Teyla asked the question of Evan that John was afraid to. "It was our understanding that he took his leave from the SGC entirely so it was quite a surprise to hear that he is here."

 

From the odd and uneasy expression that crossed Evan's face, John had a moment to wonder if it had appeared because Rodney hadn't left the SGC as they'd thought, just Atlantis and her people, and not because of the nature of Rodney's injuries. Nor was John sure which answer would scare him more.

 

"Um, he's been working on something with Sam over the last few months," Evan hesitated uncharacteristically, "though he isn't actually working under the Mountain or out at Area 51. And, ah, I'm not exactly sure what's happened," he shrugged as he led them into the labyrinth of corridors, not toward the conference room Sam and her predecessors used for debriefings, but directly toward the infirmary if John wasn't mistaken.

 

"It's my understanding that the Doc got hurt during some experiment and was put into a medically-induced coma. And that you, Colonel, hold his medical proxy and so we need you to deal with what comes next."

 

Hearing that again came as the same surprise to John as it had when Sam had mentioned it. Jeanie had held Rodney's proxy until the messy business with the parasite and Ronon's shrine, and he'd only changed it to John afterward because Jeanie hadn't really been contacted in time then -- and because it was much more likely she _couldn't_ be contacted in time if something else dire came up in the future. That Keller had also proven during that business that, like Jeanie, she felt _any_ Rodney at all would be better than no Rodney, whereas John understood Rodney would rather be dead than living with significantly diminished mental capacity, had also greatly affected Rodney's decision to pick John as the arbiter over Rodney's health should he become diminished again in any fashion.

 

Even so, by now John had simply assumed that Rodney had switched his proxy again, if not to Keller due to her obvious conflict of interest, than back to Jeanie since they were on Earth and he wasn't supposed to be getting into the same kind of trouble.

 

"Well, you wasted no time," Sam caught up to them a level away from the infirmary, no doubt called/warned by Chuck upon the team's arrival.

 

The star looked good on her shoulders, the command of the SGC even better. For all of the crap going on with Xiaoyi, having Woolsey as the current head of the IOA and having Sam in charge of the SGC -- having people who knew and looked out for not only Earth's and Atlantis' needs but also the peoples of the Pegasus Galaxy -- were a major part of why John could still face himself in the mirror each morning he awoke on Atlantis.

 

"He's not going to die," she got right to the point, not giving their physical appearance or the speed of making that appearance a second thought. "Frankly, he could be just fine and it's not like this type of thing hasn't happened, hell even to Jennifer herself after a fashion," she continued as she took the lead down the corridor.

 

Evan didn't peel off to go back to his (or Sam's) duties, however.

 

"So, what happened?" John couldn't stop his voice from sounding a little ragged despite how nearly blasé Sam appeared. "Another fuck up with Ancient tech that's resulted in a mind transference or --"

 

"Yeah, the 'or', or so we're pretty sure, which is one of the reasons I called you here. Instead of the tech being something that transfers minds from one to another or something similar, it seems to be more or less the opposite of an Ancient Repository according to Daniel's translation. Basically we're pretty sure it pulled Rodney's mind into a virtual reality, one actually pretty similar to the one you set up for the Replicator Ava. Only instead of being connected and monitored by an AI, it's more of an interactive memory storage facility. It's supposed to hold the notes and thoughts of several prominent Ancient consciousnesses, including Janus' and Merlin's.

 

"Rodney volunteered," Sam interrupted herself before John could. "And, yes, I authorized it because we were _sure_ of the translation, and that the equipment is in perfect working order. The trouble comes from Rodney not letting us know the program works on a pre-programmed length of time involving days, and in him not having prepped _Jennifer_ that he was going to do this at all. She's insisting we bring him out of it now instead of letting it run its five day course."

 

Sam looked almost embarrassed at this point, and under most other circumstances John might have laughed -- or at least written all of this off as Rodney just being Rodney. Certainly the Rodney John had known in Atlantis -- the scientist who'd do anything to advance his studies and knowledge of not just Atlantis and Ancient tech but of his understanding of physics and the Universe in general -- would have done this. But the Rodney who left the Pegasus Galaxy was instead the one who'd been doing his damnedest to change himself into a different person; to change into the type of man Jennifer Keller would be happy to spend her life with and so John had to wonder if there was more to everything here than met the eye.

 

Maybe if John hadn't been to the future and learned that at least in one universe Rodney had been so damn happy with Keller, even if she'd died way too soon. John would have tried harder to have kept Rodney in Atlantis, to have convinced Rodney he shouldn't _have_ to change to be loved. But too many of John's reasons to do that then had been personal and selfish, and even now -- especially now -- he still didn't feel he had the right to come between them.

 

"Sam," John began roughly --

 

"No, we don't expect that bringing him out before he's scheduled would hurt him, well not physically or with regard to the tech," she cut him off. "But you and I both know how pissed off he'll be. Plus, well, we really could use the information he's gone in to get." Sam looked uncomfortable now, not from being dragged into the middle of a domestic dispute, but as an Air Force general, as the commander of the SGC. "I'd just take care of it myself, but I _can't_."

 

Because she was not just the base commander, but in charge of the entire SGC, and John wondered whether she felt this ultimate prize was worth the trade-off. At least in Atlantis she had been able to sneak out regularly to conduct her own missions or research.

 

"Outside of the two of us, well I love Bill Lee to death, but I'm afraid Radek's the only other scientist who might understand enough of what we're after, and we both know Shen Xiaoy's isn't going to let me borrow him considering how many of your people take their leave on Earth and don't go back," Sam's frown deepened. "Okay, I could also try Kavanagh," she then made a sour face -- echoed by all of them. "But he's cut his ties to the SGC even worse than Jennifer has, and we're not quite dealing with an imminent invasion type of scenario that I could just draft him back into service without involving lawsuits."

 

Considering that like Teyla, John _had_ thought Rodney had cut his ties to the SGC, he wasn't particularly surprised to hear it confirmed that Keller had insisted instead. It was a blow regardless, since Rodney had already made his choice between her and Atlantis, and his willingness to work with Sam would in no way ever translate into Rodney returning to the team.

 

"You didn't bring John back just to talk Keller," Ronon stated the obvious, covering for John in the same way John now always walked to Ronon's left side.

 

Sam shook her head. "If I couldn't convince her to leave it alone, none of you are going to be able to do any better," she said bluntly. "Jennifer thinks that Atlantis is … well, evil," she sounded embarrassed again. "She's convinced that she and/or Rodney will get killed if they go back, and that more than anything or anyone else, the three of you personify all that she fears."

 

John suspected Sam was being kind to distribute the guilt amongst the team instead of laying it solely at his own feet. He represented Atlantis, the team, _and_ had been Rodney's best friend -- the bane of girlfriends and wives throughout history. He had no doubt that Jennifer's fears were real, but also fear undercut by jealousy, since he knew _exactly_ how she felt.

 

"The medical proxy," John rasped.

 

Sam nodded. "Technically Rodney is in a coma, with a set of machines keeping his body alive while his mind is off communing. Carolyn Lam is Rodney's doctor of record, not Jennifer of course, and right now Carolyn is holding firm to Rodney's wishes in part because they're also mine and in the overall best interest for Earth and maybe more. So Jennifer's threatening to involve lawyers -- to maybe go public -- and we can either lock her up and really make a hash of it, or go the proxy route which will appease anyone she brings in. I realize that this is going to fuck up the feelings between all of you even worse," Sam looked solely at him this time, "but what Rodney's doing is really pretty important, John, and she's tied our hands."

 

"Important enough that it's worth losing Rodney after he's done with this?" John threw out harshly. He'd end up being the bad guy here, willingly enough as he trusted Sam, but if he did do this, the SGC was going to lose too.

 

Sam looked nearly as nauseas as Evan at John's prediction, looked a whole lot like John felt and feared he was showing himself, but she nodded.

 

"There is no place on Earth that he'll go where I can't reach him, and we all know there's no way he'll be able to ignore me asking for his help for good. I'll just have to be extra sparing in how often I bring him in on something until things smooth over again."

 

"Perhaps we should be embracing our relief that Rodney is not actually gravely injured or endangered instead of dwelling on speculations on the future," Teyla reached out to John and Sam both, bringing them to a halt just before the infirmary door. "Jennifer is neither foolish nor vindictive. Rodney certainly could not love or stay with someone like that."

 

Sam nodded, decisively as well as bemused, then pushed on in and sent one of the attendants scrambling for Carolyn Lam.

 

*******

 

In a not unexpected display of understanding, Doctor Lam took the three of them back to the private room Rodney had been set up in. She'd understood his team would want to see him even if Rodney wouldn’t know they'd been there (unless she mentioned it since it would be unlikely they could stay on Earth long enough to see Rodney come out of the coma). There was a part of John that was happy for this easy out, in seeing Rodney but not being seen in return -- in not being seen and maybe ignored or dismissed like Atlantis had been. Seeing Rodney lying so still, seeing him hooked up to something that looked a lot like the ascendo meter, as Rodney had called it, when they'd brought it from Earth when Rodney had nearly been forced to Ascend, made John feel nearly as bad as the thought of not seeing him, so he wasn't going to move until he was kicked out.

 

In their own show of compassion, Teyla and Ronon had slipped away an hour ago to leave John alone with Rodney, professing a desire to connect up with Teal'c and promising to meet back up for dinner with Sam, Evan, and probably Chuck, as well whichever Atlantis alumni were on base. Sam had offered all of them quarters for the evening and, given how many hours the team had been on their feet even if their mission had been a cakewalk, John had accepted rather than having to deal with another eight hour trip back to Atlantis when he was both physically and emotionally exhausted.

 

John knew he'd been a coward -- was still a coward -- in never actually telling Rodney how much Rodney meant to him. The sexual attraction aside (which John had years of practice in subsuming or ignoring), he'd also never told Rodney how much their _friendship_ had helped him deal with his command in their early days on Atlantis, and how, by the end, it was Rodney and their team that had given him a home for the first time in his life. While it was true that he loved Atlantis as if she were sentient -- were a member of his team herself -- she was still just a place and without the people …

 

He'd finally told all of that to Teyla and Ronon instead of just assuming they knew, nearly too late in each of their cases like he'd been too late in telling Elizabeth or Carson, and he should never have assumed he'd have any more time to tell Rodney. He'd have to leave some sort of note or recording with Sam or Doctor Lam, but he could follow-up with a visit sometime soon when they'd have the time --

 

The door to Rodney's room opened behind him, but instead of Carolyn Lam, it was Keller.

 

"What are _you_ doing here? Jesus, did Carter bring you back? I -- she … fuck!"

 

Keller never swore even when she was at her most fearful and whatever she was carrying started to tumble from her flustered state. John moved without thinking to offer her a hand. She looked sour for the first seconds, but then made an obvious effort to relax, and then seemed at least relieved if not exactly appreciative of him taking the box. Once John had it in hand, he got a damn good indication of why she'd been caught so off guard -- why she resented his presence, Sam's interference _and _Rodney's probable disregard to her own feelings. She was pregnant, at least six months along, and John had no doubt that Rodney was the father.

 

"I'm sorry. Colonel, I …" She gave a little gesture up and down her body and tried to smile. "Rodney said he was going to spend more time at home but …" and this time she gestured to Rodney's still form on the bed. "Four months ago this would have just been annoying, but now …" Again she just floundered.

 

"When are you due?" John was pretty proud of himself for not sounding horrified.

 

"Fifteen weeks," Keller -- Jennifer -- smiled. "There's been no trouble along the way; I didn't even get morning sickness. But there so many things we still need to plan for and settle, including picking names, and if I end up doing everything alone, I might as well have just gotten a donor, right?"

 

At that she looked ready to cry and even if it were just hormones instead of wholly justified frustration, she was certainly entitled to them. Just as she was entitled to receiving Rodney's full attention.

 

"Congratulations," John forced his own smile and, setting the box down on a nearby table, he moved to hug her, having learned the hard way from Teyla how _not_ to react to such news. "I'll, ah, I can tell General Carter to --"

 

"No, dammit, he's already done this to us," Jennifer stepped back from John's embrace and waved her hand as wildly as Rodney ever had. "I know I was asking too much of him to let someone else take over his research. And that I was being a bitch with Samantha once I found out he'd blindsided me. It's just, well, you know how Rodney gets if someone doesn't keep him honest; after all you did the job for five years. Just because he pissed me off doesn't mean I should make the world or, god forbid, _science_ suffer."

 

Her long-suffering expression appeared heartfelt even if John had trouble reconciling it to only a year and a half of Rodney-wrangling, but then she was getting the concentrated version of Rodney and, dammit, John had no right being jealous of not being Rodney's keeper any longer --

 

The door behind them opened up again, once more not Doctor Lam but Sam sticking her head in, looking a little pissed and a bit long-suffering herself. John could see her visibly check the words she'd intended, and could pretty much predict what was coming so he gave Jennifer a pat as he slid past her without another look back to Rodney.

 

"Xiaoyi dialed in?" he willingly grabbed for the easier of the two problems to deal with as he exited with Sam.

 

Sam nodded, her expression softening, since she'd help precipitate both crises as well as understood that John could have nothing less -- that she would have done the same thing herself in his position had it been one of her team.

 

"Since, technically, you were reporting in to your direct commanding officer, she can't report you as AWOL or even write you up; next time you’d better tell her you’re going though.  Instead, she's insisting that now that you've done your duty, she needs you back right away instead of letting you guys start back fresh in the morning. I can't really overrule that since I don't _need_ you any longer, but if you'd like, I can send -- hell, I can send Lorne back to handle the flight duties and between the three of us, we can come up with something I needed him there to check on until he can pick up a return back on the _Apollo _in a month or so. She won't yell half as much if she thinks the SGC is keeping tabs on her."

 

"Nah, it's not fair to penalize you by taking Lorne away -- or him for making him deal with Xiaoyi for the couple of months it would be between trips," John let her off the hook. He'd known damn well that there would be consequences for his rashness. There shouldn't be anyone other than himself who should have to pay for it. "I might be looking my age, but I can still handle missing a few hours of sleep, especially if the trade off is flying," he smiled at Sam, easy enough to do for this because his last words were still true. Flying was still everything to him outside of Atlantis and a few of her people.

 

"And, hey, I've only ever run into a gate the one time, which was really Elizabeth's fault," he grinned with only a little bit of extra effort, thinking of Elizabeth and Markham and even Carson, who'd flown like a little old lady, remembering all of them now with a fondness instead of the harsh pain of his guilt. "Nothing else out there for me to run into, even if I do start nodding off. Besides Ronon and Teyla will take turns prodding me awake."

 

Sam smiled back, just as much a mask as John could see in her eyes that she also understood why he really had to leave right now. Of course she understood; she'd gone through her own team's breakup -- more than once and because of Daniel's death, even if that hadn't taken. She was also losing McKay herself, and while their relationship hadn't been as intense, it had actually been in existence longer than John's with him.

 

Not that knowing he wasn't alone in his feelings made them any easier to have.

 

**-1**

**November 18, 2010**

**Atlantis**

 

"Mother of God! Lower the shield, we're coming in hot!"

 

John moved away from the finicky console he and Radek were trying to coax back on line when the wormhole opened and Sergeant Mehra's voice came through. He nodded to Amelia to let them in and put in the call to Medical; if Mehra was working the comm instead of Major Teldy, someone was likely going to need more than the gateroom corpsman.

 

After four years of sporadic interactions, alliances and double-crosses, John thought he'd lost his capacity to be surprised to encounter Todd during a mission -- even one that hadn't involved his team. Seeing Todd cradling Anne Teldy in his arms with Sergeant Mehra hanging on to his shoulder trying to stay upright herself, and Doctor Parrish struggling to support Captain Nan Tamvig over his shoulder, however was a new one on John.

 

He started down the steps, ignoring those on duty station just as Todd was also ignoring all the weapons pointed at him, and help the corpsman with getting Teldy out of Todd's hands.

 

"The fucking MALP missed that P5X-113 is a breeding ground for Michael's alien rejects," Mehar spat out before John had to ask, breathless and jittery from fear, adrenaline and obviously pain given her own head wound. "There was a nest of them and if our buddy here hadn't intentionally been hunting them, we would have all fallen --

 

"Without a queen or Michael to control them, they have become feral, JohnSheppard," Todd sounded almost apologetic. "They have become a danger to any living creature, Wraith included and --"

 

"What in the Hell is a Wraith doing in my city!" Xiaoyi called out shrilly as she, Major Wu and the rest of Xiaoy's support staff entered into the control room from one of their interminable daily inspections around Atlantis. "Major Wu!"

 

One thing John could never accuse his newest XO (the fifth in less than two years), was him being slow to understand -- or obey -- an order. John was almost too slow himself from where he was kneeling down by Teldy, assisting Airmen Stevens with bandages, but John managed to piece it together quickly enough to sweep Dusty's legs out from under her so that the barrage of gun fire only hit Todd.

 

"Cease fire, god dammit!" he yelled while covering Dusty's body like the corpsman was covering Ann's. John didn't actually expect Wu to listen to him, but his order was enough to keep the rest of the gateroom soldiers from also opening fire, and after only a few more seconds, Wu expended his clip.

 

In the utter silence that followed, the rasps of Todd's tortured breathing wasn't quite drowned out by the thud of John's own heartbeat, and after a quick check that Dusty was only shaken up and knocked breathless again, he slid over toward the dying Wraith while sending a glare of fury and defiance Xiaoyi's direction. There was no hesitation in him when he lifted Todd's feeding hand to his chest; Todd had saved his own life several times, had saved Ronon, Teyla, _Atlantis_ …

 

The shock of being fed upon wasn't something that got mitigated or less painful having had experienced it before, and no matter how much John had thought he remembered this pull, how much he thought he had a handle on the agony that seized his muscles, he only barely managed to turn the scream that tried to rip out of his throat into a wordless grunt. He couldn't do anything to stop Dusty and Stevens from pulling him away after only a few seconds, couldn't prevent some of the Marines from then making themselves a barrier between him and Todd while he tried to remember how to breathe.

 

In the next moment Teyla was suddenly there, crouching down next to him even as Ronon was ordering Amelia to dial an address while also directing the Marines and following them through the now open wormhole. Okay, maybe it had been more than just a couple of seconds, but John still didn't know if it had been long enough to keep Todd alive -- or too long to keep himself intact.

 

Of the latter, he also wasn't completely sure he cared.

 

 

**0**

**May 2, 2011**

**Atlantis**

"So she is going to be okay?"

 

Now that she'd spoken, John couldn’t really continue to ignore Xiaoyi's arrival, so he turned to acknowledge her, not bothering to contain his contempt. "She's lost her husband -- her _people_ \-- how is anyone okay with that?"

 

Xiaoyi raised her chin. "I'd heard that Halling and a few others survived --"

 

"Halling and _two_ boys, not a few. Three Athosians left in the universe -- five if you include Teyla and Torren -- and, yeah, maybe there are a couple of traders that were out on other planets, but even if you double the number, ten people cannot restore a world or remember an entire civilization --"

 

"Were they really viable as a culture before this latest tragedy, Colonel?" Xiaoyi now frowned at him. 'They had been what, fifty left after Michael's machinations, and nearly half of them with a limited lifespan because of his experiments?"

 

"Not even Carson predicted that," John snapped.

 

Xiaoyi shrugged. "Everything else he had his hands in has broken down, but perhaps you are right," she gave him a half smile. "Only we'll never know, now. Well, unless we run across some other planet who'd submitted to him."

 

As if the Athosians had surrendered -- had _willingly_ allowed themselves to be experimented upon.

 

Dammit, John had tried. He'd given Xiaoyi the benefit of the doubt in the beginning, knowing that like with Richard Woolsey's arrival, his own disdain for politicians had colored his opinion of her before she'd ever come through the 'gate. Another part of their clashes had come from both of them being products of their own cultures, that his military background made him naturally suspicious of someone who still answered, technically, to a non friendly nation, just as she had been taught to distrust his country in turn. Then there'd been the inherent conflict between civilian and military to work through…

 

Unlike Richard or even Elizabeth, it was obvious that now after two years, Xiaoyi was _never_ going to see his position as one that supported hers, was always going to view him as an adversary and, yeah, he felt the same fucking way.

 

As if she realized how he'd taken her clumsy offer of comfort, Xiaoyi's expression turned more defensive than disturbed by what had happened, or over the fact that Teyla was lying unconscious in the infirmary with a crushed leg that was never going to be restored to one hundred percent. Her face then took on the pinched, imperious look that she always reached for when coming to him with a decision she knew he wouldn't like.

 

"Doctor Cole assures me that Teyla should be back on her … feet within a few weeks," she hesitated only slightly and then girded herself to keep going. "I would imagine that will give you time to work with Halling to find an appropriate planet for them to relocate on. Ronon can no doubt help too, and should, since he'll likely join --"

 

"You're kicking them out of Atlantis?" John asked, although the answer was plain on her face.

 

"Atlantis is a research expedition for _Earth_, Colonel. And the military is here to keep the rest of us alive. We've neither the resources nor the … space to become a refugee camp. While your friends could contribute to the protection of Atlantis, the IOA was willing to provide certain expenditures and latitude on their behalf, but now they cannot -- now that they're a true liability --"

 

John didn't give a fuck what his own expression had become and he relished the sudden blankness she called upon to mask the fear and unease still visible in her eyes.

 

"I apologize, Madame Xiaoyi," he inclined his head formally. "For failing you by not realizing that space and resources had become such a critical factor, especially given my expertise in such matters from having lived here during the first year of the expedition." He let a tight smile twist his lips.

 

"Colonel Sheppard, I did not mean to imply --"

 

"Yeah, you did. What I've never been able to figure out, though, is if this type of thing is really _you_, or if you're just toeing the party line and being who you think you have to be, to keep your job."

 

"Colonel, such insubordination will not be tol --"

 

"Don't worry about it, Shen. We're -- _all_ of us -- gone as soon as Teyla can travel. That'll give you one additional room and on office to cover your space problems."

 

 

**1+**

**January 27, 2013**

**Earth**

 

Ronan, Montana (and wasn't that a kick; he'd been all prepared to accuse John of landing there deliberately until he found out this had been a home long in John's family's possession) was actually a little larger than Rodney was expecting. Unfortunately, he'd also disregarded the older Sheppard brother's directions to instead rely on his Google map and his GPS navigator to find the Sheppard Ranch. Only he'd gotten lost and the access road he'd followed had gotten him nowhere but a washed out gully, which might be a valid road some times of the year but not now, so there had to be another way in.

 

Which was why Rodney was now driving though the town with the intent to chat up someone who would know the directions. Only it wasn't necessarily going to be the slam dunk he'd been expecting, not with the town actually being about twice the size he'd been led to believe. Sure, the Sheppard place (_Na Fir-Chlis_ Ranchand Rodney really wanted to know if whomever named knew that was Scottish Gaelic for the Merry Dancers or the Northern Lights or if they'd just name it after some place they'd honeymooned or something) had apparently been owned by the family for several generations or more, but suddenly this wasn't one of those two street towns where everybody knew everybody else's business. Well, at least not to the point where he could randomly stop someone in the street for directions.

 

If he headed off to the Sheriff's office, he could probably get the information he needed, no doubt he'd also have to explain himself also; something Rodney was loathed to do just on general principle. Not to mention that doing such would likely involve a phone call for permission, which would then give John the opportunity to run.

 

Okay, that wasn't fair -- no doubt John would contend that Rodney was the one who'd run the first time (and the second and the third), but that was precisely why he had to make sure John didn't have any warning.

 

He could try the local grocery; he should probably pick up some food anyway since showing up after three years of no contact and expecting to be fed would be pretty rude, even for him; nor could he expect John to have anything suitable for Lexy. Undoubtedly the local gum-smacking Cougar running the check-out counter knew all about the war hero in their midst, and it might not be a bad idea to find out if someone really had managed to get their hooks into John so Rodney could be prepared for another Mrs. Sheppard. But if that did turn out to be the case, there was just as good a chance that Rodney would simply drive on, turning the car toward Vancouver and Jeanie even though that decision would present its own problems.

 

Only the downside to that decision besides the obvious was that he'd already been driving for most of the day and had no right to expect Lexy to continue to stay so content in her car seat, even if he had found every toy known to man that could be expected to keep her attention along with the DVD player inset in the overhead seat rest. If he had to listen to Stitch or Puss or even Baby Einstein for another few hours without taking a break, he couldn't guarantee he'd not start talking in tongues himself. He should probably get a hotel room in any case; even if John agreed to meet with him, Rodney shouldn't expect John to be any more ready to put him up for the night as to feed him … them.

 

Of course, even if the town held ten thousand people instead of the three he'd been expecting, he wasn't going to find an Intercontinental nearby, or even a Marriott or a Hilton. He'd be damn lucky to find something belonging to a national chain, although maybe an independent owner would have more concern with being this town's version of the No Tell Motel and so work against being a cliché. Somehow Rodney doubted the drug cartels gave a damn about Bumfuck, Montana, and the local meth dealers and customers were probably one in the same, using the local bar or high school parking lot to handle their transactions instead.

 

Naturally, in keeping with the type of luck he'd been having over the last two weeks, Rodney was going to have to stop somewhere to find directions to a motel, too, having ripped apart the ever-so-helpful, ever-so-_wrong_ GPS navigator that had come with the rental. He could ask for recommendations or seek them out on-line, but either way he'd need to pull over and --

 

Oh, hey, a post office. Now there would be people who knew where everyone and everyplace were hiding.

 

There were three other cars parked in the attached lot, two of them no doubt belonging to employees and the other maybe a customer. Rodney pulled in next to the customer's POS truck and shut off the engine.

 

"Okay, Miss Lexy, you and daddy are going to go in here and see if one of the nice folks inside will let us know how to get to Uncle John's."

 

He was doing much better at couching his name-calling; having Lexy call Dragon Ronon brain-damaged had been embarrassing enough, but when she'd called her nanny (Nanny four) a harpy and a shrew (which was entirely true, but neither she nor Jennifer had appreciated Lexy's -- or Rodney's -- frank observation), well …

 

"Uncle Dhon?" Lexy twisted around in her seat to smile at Rodney and toss Teyla Kitty his way in her excitement.

 

She didn't know John, of course, or Teyla, Ronon or Sam. Rodney been talking to her about his team though, especially John, over the last few days, trying to give Lexy a reason not to miss Mommy quite so much.

 

Rodney had gotten pretty good at playing catch -- at playing Daddy too -- although he still wasn’t sure if her grabby hands were reaching for him or for Teyla Kitty when he unlocked her door and reached in. He dropped Teyla Kitty into her hands as he began to unclip Lexy's safety harness only to have the copper-colored kitty bounced off his head amidst the soft giggles that still caused his heart to seize every time he realized they were being offered to _him_. It had only taken him the one time to know to press gently against her chest to hold her in place while he bent further down to recover Teyla lest she try to climb out  on her own; this time he also found both her socks down in the well, but only one of her shoes.

 

How -- oh. Okay. The socks didn't match. Which didn't necessarily mean one had been lost down in the bowels of the car a day or two earlier since he wasn't big on matching, but he was pretty sure he'd put two lavender ones on her today.

 

"You need to hold onto Teyla Kitty to keep her from getting dirty," Rodney placed the stuffed animal back into Lexy's hands once more. From the beginning he'd refused to talk down to Lexy, giving her explanations and letting her know what was happening even back when Lexy didn't have any comprehension that his words had specific meanings. He knew she didn't -- wouldn't -- always understand and it might be years before he could expect her to actually obey, but he was learning patience as well as how to curb his temper. Fortunately Jennifer hadn't been one for too much nonsense baby talk either. Or one for letting their daughter get away with too many tantrums even when she didn't understand.

 

"Taaayla!" Lexy sang out as Rodney collected her into his arms and ducked them both out of the car.

 

"Yes?" Rodney heard from in between his car and the truck and he snapped his head up so fast that it was only due to the divine providence he didn't believe in that he'd cleared the doorframe and didn't give himself a concussion.

 

"Hello?" he asked, unable to believe what he thought he'd heard, _who_ he thought he'd heard. He couldn't see anyone as the post office door opened outward, then a young man appeared but Rodney was pretty sure the voice hadn't come from him.

 

"Ah, Teyla?"

 

"Rodney?"

 

Oh, god, it _was_ her, coming out next after the kid. Still as beautiful and regal as ever, still young and even if he'd given any thought in ever being able to see her again, in the back of his mind he'd tried to prepare himself for seeing her having been aged by a Wraith.

 

Not aged, but by the stiffness of her gate as she approached him (as well as the solicitousness of the young man who'd helped her down the steps and stayed hovering at her shoulder), Rodney could see that Teyla had not escaped Pegasus completely unscathed.

 

"Oh, Rodney, it has been many days," she cried out in gladness and reached for him, taking in Lexy's presence at a glance and placing a mindful hand to shelter Lexy so that she was not discomforted as Rodney leaned down to touch Teyla's forehead. Teyla's touch turned to a caress across the back of Lexy's blonde tumble of curls (more like his own childhood or Jeanie's and not the pictures of Jennifer at this age). She then beamed up at Rodney, tears glistening her eyes. "And who is this?"

 

"Bethany Lexington," Rodney did a little of his own beaming -- and tearing up. "She's Jennifer's and my daughter. Lexy, this is your Aunt Teyla."

 

This earned another ear shattering "Taaayla" and then Lexy cocked her head and looked between Kitty and Teyla with her serious face. Their coloring indeed was quite similar, and hadn't just been a product of Rodney's wishful thinking when he'd picked the toy out.

 

"She is a lovely girl with a beautiful name, Rodney," Teyla praised them both. "You and Jennifer have much to be proud of. Are they family names?"

 

Rodney felt his face flush, more about the name thing than the Jennifer thing, although the Jennifer one was going to be the easier one to explain.

 

"We are, but Lexy's all mine at this point," he cuddled Lexy a little closer which, of course, caused her to squirm and retaliate by tossing Teyla Kitty at his head again.

 

The young man at Teyla's side caught Kitty before she dropped into the ubiquitous smear of oil or gas on the tarmac, and then showed remarkable sense by playing kissy face with Kitty and Lexy to keep her distracted while he and Teyla caught up. Normally Lexy was bashful around strangers, but perhaps she was sensing Rodney ease and, for whatever reason, she was indulging Jinto's attentions with no fuss and only a little squirming instead of hiding her face into Rodney's neck.

 

"Jennifer and I aren't together any longer," Rodney informed her before Teyla might think that something bad had happened. Once, they had all been friends.

 

Whether Teyla actually knew about divorce or child custody laws (since too often the parents in Pegasus didn't have the luxury of time to discover they were incompatible), Teyla was wise enough to know when she'd hit a minefield and how to back off without appearing to take sides and without imposing her own cultural values. She simply squeezed the hand she'd kept against Rodney's arm and gave him one of her grave and compassionate smiles.

 

"The names, ah, well Bethany is named for Elizabeth," he explained softly, self conscious and even now still feeling the sadness that he saw echoed in Teyla's eyes whenever he thought of Elizabeth Weir.

 

"I am sure Elizabeth would feel honored," Teyla squeezed his arm once again before letting is drop. "And Lexy? Or … Lexington?" she tried out the name as she often sounded out new words or was being careful because she was confused.

 

Rodney's heart stuttered at that little piece of familiarity, as if now he could truly believe that this was his Teyla in front of him even if he couldn't even imagine how John had pulled that off. Or what it meant for Teyla to have left her home and her people.

 

"She didn't seem to like Beth so we started calling her Lexy instead of the more formal _Lexington._ Which, yeah, is a family name."

 

Just not from his family _or_ from Jennifer's. But that was a conversation for another time. And with another person.

 

"Now, I know it's been a few years, but you're not going to convince me that this is Torren," he fumbled for a change of topic and gestured to the fifteen or sixteen year old that currently had Lexy thoroughly charmed. The aging affect from a Wraith's feeding simply stole life-force and did not accelerate any real aging process even if the reverse did seem to offer something like rejuvenation to the Wraith's … chosen..

 

Teyla offered a laugh that was just as sparkling as Lexy's and shook her head. "This is Jinto who is now quite grown up, so it is understandable that you have not recognized him Torren is back home -- at John's," she offered her own hurried explanation since, again, there were too many ways such an innocuous statement could be interpreted.

 

Rodney shifted to better take in Jinto who, now identified, preened a little before raising a single brow and gesturing with a chin lift and a look in his eye as if asking if he could now be trusted to hold Lexy instead of just playing with her. Rodney hesitated, not because he didn't think he could trust his daughter with Halling's son, but because he wasn't sure Lexy would go to him. Only she had her own ideas, or again really just wanted Teyla Kitty, so allowed herself to be bribed away to the man holding her favorite cuddle toy.

 

"Hey, Doctor McKay. Hey Lexy," Jinto offered in a voice that had most definitely broken, as it was even lower than Halling's. It was abundantly clear to see which of the two of them Jinto was happier to meet, with how quickly Rodney was dismissed however cheerful his greeting. Lexy seemed just as preoccupied.

 

Now that he had both hands free, Rodney could give Teyla a proper hug and for a few moments they just stood there holding and leaning together.

 

"You are here to visit John?" she asked when they finally stopped holding on to one another so tightly.

 

"If he'll see me," Rodney knew his nod was stiff and he tried to relax, although he also figured Teyla would understand how out of control his feelings were right now. "I didn't know any of you were here too. Who -- is Halling --"

 

Teyla tucked herself inside his arm and dropped her gaze toward the ground as if unable to look at him for a moment. So it wasn't good -- was maybe _really_ bad -- but whether she was afraid to tell him it was just her, Torren, Jinto and John, or instead that she also didn't think John would be willing to see him, Rodney had no idea. And no idea which would hurt more.

 

"Kanaan is dead, along with all of my people except for Halling, Jinto and Wex," she said softly. Jinto stilled from his play with Lexy at her words and even Lexy seemed to realize the sudden shift of mood in the adults around her as she fell silent and clutched Teyla Kitty close to her.

 

"Atlantis?" Rodney choked out, because he'd truly thought John would never leave their city willingly, just as Teyla would have never left her people. But if something had happened, if they'd _had_ to leave, well of course John would have made a home for Torren and Teyla, along with anyone else that mattered to her.

 

"Atlantis remains unchanged, unlike the people who live within her," Teyla sounded a little fierce this time, upset not from grief or frustration like when the Ancients had returned and kicked everyone out, but instead from something much more like actual anger.

 

Rodney had a feeling that he was supposed to know the reasons behind her bitterness. That consideration brought up a few scenarios as well as led him to a few logical conclusions that all ended up spelling out IOA. He'd known Woolsey was no longer on Atlantis in having had to make a presentation to him as the head of the IOA, along with the United States' president, just a couple of months ago. He breathed just a tiny bit easier in thinking that John and Teyla being here was because of politics and not wholesale destruction -- well, other than for the Athosians.

 

Because of Lexy, it had been remarkably easy to walk away from the SGC when Jennifer had demanded it of him. (Easier, too, after finding out that John had returned to Earth three years ago only long enough to sign away his interest in Rodney's well being without leaving any explanation, _any_ word when even Teyla and Ronon had left him messages wishing him and Jennifer well.) None of that had meant he'd completely refused to talk to or work with Sam, of course.

 

Yet more than once he'd suggested Jeanie would be a better match for whatever crisis de jour Sam needed assistance with. And it hadn't taken either of those two long to figure out Rodney didn't want to know what was happening in Atlantis anymore than he'd wanted to know about Colorado. Unless, of course, it had a direct correlation to whatever current project _he_ was working on.

 

He'd always expected that one of them would have let him know if Atlantis had fallen regardless -- or if someone else he cared about had died. And he had a moment's pang to realize that he'd never shown enough concern or interest in Kanaan or the Athosians for Sam or Jeanie to have picked up on to then have told him of their demise.

 

"What, so someone finally pissed John off badly enough that he got slapped down again and sent away?" Rodney asked only half in jest.

 

Only Teyla wasn't smiling back at him in shared memory of how John had fumbled through explaining Afghanistan, Antarctica and his black mark to Ronon one memorable afternoon. "Richard left Atlantis only months after you did, Rodney," Teyla frowned at him. "He was recalled and replaced with that woman who had tried to supplant him just months after his arrival. Shen Xiaoyi has been in charge of Atlantis for over three years."

 

God, that was as long as Elizabeth had been, and that was all kinds of wrong.

 

Teyla seemed to agree, as there was definitely anger in her voice now. If she was also disappointed in him for not knowing (or for making light of what obviously hadn't been a joking matter), all of her real anger was being laid at Shen's feet.

 

"So _Shen_ forced John out? Did Caldwell find a better ally in her or something, and finally get his wish?" Rodney was a little surprised that Sam would have let the IOA bully her into giving in, even if she hadn't also had a high regard for John herself.

 

Shit, with both John and Lorne gone, with Carson gone or at least unwilling to continue his work on the gene therapy given the mess the rest of his genetic research had fallen into -- who in the hell did they have left to sweet-talk Atlantis into working for them?

 

"Ann Teldy is now the Military Commander and a Lieutenant Colonel," Teyla found at least that worth smiling about. "John retired and left on his own, for reasons of his own. Although yes, I can say that … certain of Shen's actions undoubtedly contributed to John's decision."

 

Teyla still sounded angry but also maybe guilty, and again Rodney could well imagine what else that might mean. An IOA hardliner coupled with the loss of the Athosians -- Of course John was probably blaming himself more than Shen for whatever _had_ happened with the Athosians, just as Teyla was now blaming herself for John's leaving Atlantis.

 

"So is Ronon …?" Here, dead, still back in Pegasus, yours? Rodney had a hard time believing Ronon would ever be willing to leave the fight against the Wraith, but for Teyla… Hell for Teyla they _all_ would have done it.

 

Teyla smiled. "Ronon came with us to help John with his home."

 

She sounded content this time and Rodney felt the last of his biggest fears fall away in learning that his team was okay. John had only once told them the bare bones of what had happened to Atlantis in the other time line, how everyone and everything Rodney had ever cared for had been lost or abandoned until, in the end, that version of himself could only make the same choice the first Elizabeth had -- to surrender up his own reality in order to make sure another worked out better. While Rodney had never believed in a higher power -- a belief that had been irrefutably born out after his encounters with the Go'ould and the Ancients -- he'd still had a somewhat contrary belief in destiny, or maybe just a fatalistic approach to his own luck and so that scenario still coming to pass haunted him some nights.

 

_Good_ luck was for people like John, like Teyla and Sam and Daniel Jackson, since even when Rodney got what he'd believed he'd most wanted (Atlantis, Jennifer), somehow he always manage to fuck it up.

 

"Ah, we've, uh, probably given your neighbors months of gossip and entertainment," Rodney let the discomfort of his thoughts influence and bring to mind his basic embarrassment and impatience in being the center of attention over something other than his science, even if there has been no sign of anyone else even driving by this parking lot. "Maybe we should …"

 

He left off the subject of that statement, because he still couldn't quite believe that he had come chasing after John. He was just as eager to put off their upcoming confrontation as to facilitate it; if he never actually saw John again, he could go on believing that their falling out had been John's decision and not his own mistake.

 

If he never gave John the opportunity, he wouldn't have to be proven right and be turned away.

 

Teyla gave him a look, one both thoughtful and compassionate, but her expression was also undercut with that certain something that made you step into the gym against her even though you knew you were going to get your ass kicked.

 

Because the consequences of not doing so would be so much worse.

 

"Jinto, I shall ride back with Rodney and his lovely daughter. I need you to please continue on to the grocery and then the feed store to pick up our orders. You can spend an extra hour or two visiting Mr. Pendleton's daughter," she added with a sly cast to her expression that then turned more serious, "but you must get back before dinner. Bobbie is planning on setting up the dough for tomorrow's breakfast while she makes tonight's biscuits, and she would be sorely displeased not to have her cinnamon on hand."

 

"No more than I would be not to bite into those rolls tomorrow," Jinto grinned and gently handed Lexy back over to Rodney. "Glad you've come to visit, Doctor McKay. I'll see you both in a few hours."

 

"He's old enough to drive?" Rodney asked as he got Lexy back into her car seat. Yeah, the kid _looked_ old enough, but that had been before he'd found out it was Jinto, who was still the little kid in Rodney's mind who played Wraith and Victim with chubby Wex -- who sometimes was still scared of the night because he knew exactly what kind of monsters came out of the dark.

 

"He is old enough for around here," Teyla reassured him. "I cannot walk long distances comfortably, so John has worked out certain accommodations with the local law enforcement to permit Jinto and Wex both to drive when helping me. The agreement is for them to stay off the interstate completely, and to stay primarily on the path between town and the ranch."

 

Rodney had noticed her limp of course, and that Teyla leaned a little more on one hip when she stood over the centered balance that she'd otherwise maintained in the past. Even so, he'd never expected it to be anything serious, in part because she still moved so smoothly, so _effortlessly_, that even her limping looked like someone else's dancing. Only this sounded like it wasn't anything recent, and also like it wasn't something she was going to completely recover from.

 

Once he got Lexy settled, Teyla also accepted his assistance and slid gracefully across her seat even when she had to use her hands to lift her damaged leg over the door frame.

 

Oh god,oh god,oh god.

 

"So the damage is permanent?" he tried to ask casually.

 

She gave him one of those looks again. As if she could read his panic yet also as if she wasn't disappointed that he hadn't stayed in touch enough to already know.

 

"I have little doubt that I will continue to get better," she said much more serenely than Rodney certainly felt. "But Doctor Cole is not optimistic that my muscles will ever regain their full strength. And I have … pins bracing and reinforcing several of them."

 

Rodney had more questions, but Lexy was starting to fuss from being trapped in her seat without the car moving, so he hurried around to his own side and distracted himself by checking his mirrors and going through his other start up procedures.

 

"Rodney," Teyla reached over to still his arm before he could turn the key in the ignition. "Do you know anything of what happened after you left?"

 

Unable to take his eyes away from the dashboard even if he was visualizing other things entirely, he shook his head. "I, ah, it turns out that Jennifer was screening all of the news from the SGC while I was just assuming you guys were so pissed that I didn't come back that you stopped talking to me."

 

"Oh, Rodney --"

 

"Go, Daddy. Zzzooom!" Lexy broke in with a wail.

 

"Yeah, she, ah, isn't real good with just sitting," Rodney winced and apologized before starting up the engine.

 

"It sounds like we all have stories to tell," Teyla absolved him. "And apologies to make for allowing fears and jealousies to cloud our thinking, for making assumptions instead of confirming facts."

 

"Pretty big error for a scientist to make," Rodney tried to laugh it off.

 

"But a very human one," Teyla smiled his direction. "We have all lost things that are precious to us. Time, abilities, purpose. But lost doesn't mean forgotten. Or forever."

 

******

 

A thousand acres or so that didn't look like anything much on a computer screen, translated into almost half an hour of travel between the town and the proper turnoff. Rodney was glad for the extra miles and time; it gave him time to think, to prepare for the things Teyla had alluded to. And for those that she hadn't, but still had to be true just for her and Ronon to be here on Earth with John. Teyla, in turn, spent time learning about her stuffed kitty namesake and whatever else Lexy was showing her.

 

Sure, it gave him time to come up with worse and worse possibilities, but Rodney still contended that even Jennifer would have told him if someone had lost a limb or something; that _Jeanie_ would have definitely told him if only to make him feel guilty over abandoning his life's work and his friends as some kind of payback for how he'd called her marriage to Kaleb the same thing. He'd always had a suspicion that Jeanie had kept in touch with his team ever since her first visit to Atlantis; that they'd become important to her because they were important to him and that was discounting Jeanie's newer friendship with Sam. After finding out that John (and Teyla and Ronon) had been on Earth for the last eighteen months, Rodney now wondered if there might have even been a personal visit or two somewhere in there between all of them. Without him.

 

That certainly would explain a few cryptic remarks and looks Jeanie gave him whenever_ they_ exchanged visits.

 

"The entrance is coming up." Teyla, of course, was keeping full track of her surroundings even as she was playing Peek-A-Boo with Lexy and Kitty.

 

Damn, thanks to the backward car seats, his daughter was guaranteed to inherit his bad back as well as his citrus allergy, since she always wanted to know what the grownups were doing even if she didn't have someone to play with.

 

Oh shit! Speaking of citrus, he'd forgotten to stop at the store for food. Sure, if he was kicked out he had enough for the two of them for one more night, but still...

 

Are you sure about this -- about John -- he was about to ask. But, no, it was too late to turn back now. He was Teyla's ride if nothing else, and no matter how pissed off John might be at Rodney, he wasn't going to yell at Teyla. As this seemed to be Teyla's home too, Rodney had every right to be here as _her_ guest.

 

From what he'd seen already, he was pretty sure the ranch was big enough anyway that he and John would be able to avoid each other even easier than they'd managed that now and then on Atlantis.

 

"So this is a working ranch?" Rodney asked as he drove under the signpost proclaiming it belonging to the _Na Fir-Chlis_ Ranch, with a graphic that might indeed be a representation of the Aurora Borealis painted behind the name. Something about it gave the indication that the original carving and painting had been done many years ago, although the paint was fresh and most of the weathered pieces of the wood had at least been smoothed away.

 

Some of the buildings they next came upon, however, looked new while the rest also looked recently renovated and freshly painted. There were none of the decrepit, two-walled buildings, roofless barns and missing fence posts here that he'd seen all too often as he'd made the drive between Wisconsin and Montana; and while there were an inordinate amount of motor vehicles scattered around the various buildings, not one of them was up on concrete blocks.

 

Rodney could also see several stables or paddocks or corrals, as they were maybe called, one outdoor enclosure filled with several horses and a couple of wrangler that looked an awful lot like Halling and Ronon from a distance, at least by their size and stature. Neither of them sported the haircuts Rodney remembered from them, although, yeah, Halling had had his hair chopped during his incarceration by Michael and maybe he'd decided short was easier to care for than the Qui-Gon cut he'd cultivated when they'd all first met. No dreads present either that Rodney could make out on the other guy, so maybe it wasn't Ronon even though Teyla had said he was here on Earth. But then, Ockham's Razor probably did apply; after all, how many giants did John actually know?

 

"We are breeding horses," Teyla said with pride. "Working ones and a few racers. We are also saving the wild ones instead of seeing them butchered, attacked or starved if they are not cared for. Mustangs, John calls them, and there is another auction scheduled next month from where we may acquire more. I have been told that this ranch has been in the Sheppard family for generations, although John is the first Sheppard to actually live here instead of just visiting over summer months since it was first homesteaded."

 

Somehow, when Ronon had mentioned that John's family raised horses on a multi-acred home in Virginia, Rodney'd had visions of dressage and maybe polo, or even fox hunting. John's interest and skill in golf had only reinforced Rodney's imaginings of a country-club upbringing, and of course John had offered nothing to challenge the glee Rodney had taken in teasing him about his blue blood.

 

John the rancher -- the _cowboy_ \-- made a lot more sense though, and if they were breeding race horses here, Rodney was sure they weren't the in-bred, spindly-legged thoroughbred princesses that ran at Churchill Downs or in the Breeder's Cup. Quarter-horses maybe, or the ones that led the buggies -- harness racers. He'd bet anything there'd be rodeo ponies too, the type that could cut corners on a dime as well as cut off bulls. And that John would be the one to first break them to a saddle. (Forty-five should be too old for actually doing the rodeo riding and John had probably never been small enough to be a jockey.)

 

"Is there a particular place I should park?" he distracted himself from his fancies with a sharp dose of reality once he grew aware he was pretty much just letting the van coast aimlessly toward the largest house-like building. He didn't need the claim that he couldn't fly straight being carried over to how he drove.

 

Definitely more than one building looked like people were living in them, a four-story and a two-story along with a couple of cottages amidst the barns, stables and maybe barracks? Rodney had no idea if Teyla and Torren had their own place or if they lived in the main house with John. Hell, she could even be living _with_ John now that Kanaan was gone. Rodney had never thought John and Teyla felt anything sexual between them, but marriage certainly would have been the easiest way to get her here on Earth, and he could definitely see John stepping up to be a father to Torren.

 

Of course, Ronon was allegedly here too, and he and Teyla had had more than a spark of sexual attraction between them. So it could be _those_ two living together -- or, shit, those _three_! Before Pegasus, Rodney certainly would never have considered John being involved in any sort of polygamous relationship, but then he hadn't have pegged John for being bi either, for _preferring_ men as Rodney had come to find out (though sadly not through hands on application). Maybe now that they were back on Earth, John had gone for it since there likely wasn't anything he wouldn't do if his team asked.

 

"Park to the right of the jeep," Teyla directed. "The concrete pad to the left of the main house is for John's helicopter."

 

Of course it was. Even Harrison Ford had a helicopter up here and participated in search and rescue operations when his assistance was needed. _Of course_ John would do that. Also, from what little Rodney had investigated about ranching once he'd heard that Sheppard had come here, many ranchers kept track of their stock and their land with a helicopter instead of just horses or trucks, and so it made some kind of sense too.

 

If John had had to give up Atlantis, flying was probably the only thing other than Teyla and Ronon that was keeping him sane.

 

If the helicopter was missing, wouldn't that mean John wasn't here?

 

John being gone certainly could explain why both of the horse wranglers had abandoned whatever they'd been doing with their charges and were heading toward the van; Rodney's vehicle wasn't familiar after all and the entrance off of the county road onto John's property had been four miles back, not something most people would take just to ask for directions.

 

It didn't take too long for Rodney to see that he'd been correct in his initial assumptions, that the giants were indeed Ronon and Halling. And to see that dreds weren't the only thing Ronon was missing.

 

"Oh damn!"

 

Teyla paused in her glide off the seat and twisted back to give Rodney a long look. "My apologies, I thought you knew at least this, Rodney." She looked unsettled, both unhappy and protective, as well as sympathetic -- no -- pitying. And Rodney didn't think it was for Ronon's sake.

 

"It happened only months after you left Atlantis, before Richard was recalled. So he has had two years to adjust to his loss but, well, it is Ronon. Who had always felt he can best contribute with his physical self. I fear if you make a commotion about it, he will simply shut you out," she warned.

 

Right. Nothing new there. If Rodney wanted to know any details, he'd need to ask her and now, but he just couldn't because she was right; he _should_ have known about this already. Hell, he s_hould have been there_.

 

Fortunately Lexy began the type of fussing that generally led to real tears, giving Rodney the perfect out to avoid more knowing looks and uncomfortable conversation. He hurried out of his own side of the van and moved over to Lexy's, working to calm her as well as himself as he freed her from the car seat.

 

"Teyla?" Rodney heard Halling greet her.

 

"Has something happened to Jinto or your vehicle?"

 

"Both are fine, Halling," Teyla answered brightly enough that Rodney didn't need to be looking to know she was smiling. Broadly.

 

 

He felt a warmth spread through him in realizing that she at least was honestly happy to see him.

 

"After reminding Jinto he needs to remain aware of how long he spends with young Theresa so that he is home in time for dinner, I simply took advantage of our guest to obtain an alternate means for a ride home."

 

And that was Rodney's cue. He also didn't need to look up to know that Ronon would be standing sentinel on his side of the van as if he was a potential threat.

 

"Who?" Ronon finally rumbled when Rodney took too long getting Lexy settled on his hip.

 

"Me. And my daughter. Bethany Lexington, only we call her Lexy." Rodney stood up from his crouch and turned around.

 

If Ronon had taken John's side (entirely understandable even if not exactly fair), or if he was just pissed for his own sake, Rodney knew he wouldn't offer any violence if it would endanger a kid. And while he hated himself for using Lexy that way -- for thinking the worst of Ronon -- he still wasn't above using it to protect himself. Ronon had also been romantically interested in Jennifer at one time, and while they'd all done their best to never have it affect the team, he and Ronon still had been rivals for those few months. And Rodney had won.

 

Who knew what kind of grudge Ronon might still harbor?

 

"Cute kid, McKay," was Ronon's initial response, however, although accompanied by a very thorough looking over. "She must take after her mother."

 

There must have also been a telling look from Teyla directed Ronon's way, as he didn't ask about Jennifer and he was now approaching them, intent on giving one of his over-enthusiastic bear hugs. At least he mitigated that enthusiasm at the last second lest he squeeze the stuffing out of Lexy.

 

Squeezing the stuffing out of Rodney was apparently acceptable.

 

"Oooh, pirate!" Lexy did her own looking when Ronon took a step back so Rodney could catch his breath, and that was all Nanny 3's fault thanks to the pirate themed birthday party she'd convinced Jennifer to throw for Lexy's last birthday.

 

Fortunately Ronon only grinned and redirected Lexy's grabby hands from the undeniably rakish black eye patch he was sporting before tickling her tummy.

 

Rodney was dying to ask about it all, the injury and leaving Atlantis, whether his eye was just scarred to match the faint ridges the patch couldn't quite contain or if it was missing altogether. But overall, Ronon looked good, not just relaxed but actually carefree, like all of his fierceness had been a mask set upon him when the Wraith had implanted their tracker in his back. And Rodney didn't want to be the one to bring that kind of mask back.

 

Actually, Ronon looked impossibly young now. Not Wraith-young like John had after his encounter with Koyla and Todd, but teenage young -- well twenties at least, leaving Rodney to wonder just how young the Satedans recruited their military and whether Ronon's vibe of having seen and done it all had simply been another mask that had been taken up in order to survive.

 

"Blessings on your house, Doctor McKay. And welcome to ours," Halling offered his own greeting as he and Teyla moved around to where Rodney and Ronon were still standing.

 

Halling now, unlike Ronon, looked every year Ronon seemed to have lost. And more. Rodney hadn't interacted with Halling all that much at any time, but especially not after his recovery from Michael's deprivations, so he'd never had the time to get used to seeing the other man with short hair. Considering the liberal amount of gray now intertwined with the rest, Rodney could understand Halling's choice not to grow it long again -- or maybe the short hair held some sort of religious or ritualistic significance which, frankly, Rodney also didn't really care about.

 

At least Halling had filled out from the starvation diet chic he'd sported after Michael. And while there were many more lines on his face than Rodney remembered, he liked to think that some of them were laugh lines and not just worry ones; like the others, Halling seemed to give the appearance that, despite being so very far from home in the Pegasus galaxy, there were pleasures to be found here on Earth.

"Ah, thanks," Rodney nodded back to Halling. "This is Lexy. My daughter."

 

"Well, I thought I heard a car and voices," a new voice entered their reacquainting, coming out from behind the screen door of the house Rodney had parked next too. Not a voice that Rodney recognized.

 

Which made sense as he didn't recognize her upon seeing her either. It belonged to an old woman, old enough to be his own grandmother but still lively and spry and almost as tiny as Teyla. She preceded a boy only a few inches taller and slightly more stable on his feet than Lexy, although his wobbliness might have come from excitement. His whole face lit up when he caught sight of Teyla, and while Rodney absolutely no longer recognized him, it was obvious that this was Torren John.

 

"Mama!"

 

In a move that looked well practiced, Halling intercepted Torren's mad rush lest he crash into Teyla's legs. He held onto to Torren only long enough to transfer him over into Teyla's waiting arms, and the expression he bestowed on them both was definitely one of fondness and contentment. A look completely matched by Ronon's and the grandmotherly type's faces.

 

Lexy began twisting in Rodney's arms at the sight of Torren; she'd not had too much opportunity to interact with other kids near to her age and size and so was always fascinated when she did get the chance,

 

Perhaps some sort of daycare would have been the better choice than a private nanny (five and counting if he was going to hire one now that it was just him and Lexy), despite all of the horror stories and statistics. Lexy was already showing the signs that she was a true McKay, and Jennifer had been her own kind of child prodigy, so proper socialization was going to be chore. And maybe necessary.

 

"Looks like we'll be having company for dinner," the grandmother spoke again.

 

Not Torren's, of course, since Charin had been the closest thing Teyla had to a parent herself. Certainly there hadn't been any other near octogenarians left of the Athosian even before Michael had stole them away for his experiments. Maybe John's grandmother then?

 

Only she didn't look like some doyenne of an old money dynasty that had been John's family, from what little Rodney had learned about it. Totally salt-of-the-earth, like Kaleb's parents and grandparents; someone who belonged here on a ranch now or a hundred of years ago.

 

"This is Rodney McKay -- Doctor Rodney McKay," Teyla winked and corrected with a trill at the familiarity of it all. "And his daughter Lexy. Rodney is one of our dearest friends. Rodney, this is Bobbie Winston. She and her husband, Red, have looked after this place for years, and now they look after all of us."

 

"You're one of the friends from Atlantis?" Bobbie asked and somehow Rodney wasn't all that surprised that she'd been told despite the Secrets Act papers that had to have been signed.

 

John would never have come here to live if he couldn’t trust the caretakers (and he'd never have kicked them out if they'd been maintaining the place all those years). Nor would he have been happy living the lie that would have had to be concocted to allow for all of his friends coming here with him.

 

"Rodney's our final team member," Ronon contributed and Bobbie expression changed to one that looked like she understood what that really meant.

 

"Well then welcome, Rodney. Miss Lexy," she beamed. "Ronon, ask Red were he stored Davey's old bed and some of those toys Torren's outgrown. Between you, Halling and Wex I'm sure you can put the bed together in time for tonight. She has outgrown her crib, right?"

 

Rodney nodded, a little bemused, but then Bobbie had the air of take charge that he couldn't really question since this was obviously her household even if John _owned_ the house.

 

Back at his and Jennifer's place, Lexy had had her own grown-up bed (canopied in Barbie pink) for about five months, even if she didn't always stay in it when they put her down for the night. He'd also managed to convince Jennifer from the start that they weren't going to be hypocrites and punish Lexy for staying up and reading her books instead of sleeping; it wasn't like she had been trying to crawl into bed with them or interrupting them all through the night like so many of the other parents complained about on-line. As active as Lexy normally was during the days, she was usually tired enough to sleep on her own after no more than an hour of reading to Ronon and Teyla and Carson the sheep.

 

"Teyla, show them to the … gold room, I think. Lexington's brother liked it well enough during the summers we had her and the boys here. It's big enough for the added bed and it has that table in it that would work for a laptop desk," she added with a shrewd look back Rodney's way. "Plus it has that chest you can remove the linens from and use for toys."

 

Rodney was pretty sure he wasn't imagining Bobbie stressing the name of John's mother, that this harmless looking old witch had already divined the source of Lexy's name even though Lexington Sheppard had always been known as Lexa to those close enough to her to forgo formalities (according to John that late, drunken night after he'd returned from his father's funeral).

 

Of course, this also meant that Teyla and probably Ronon had known where Lexy got her name from, and at some point he was going to have to think of a suitable revenge for Teyla's so guileless 'are they family names?'.

 

"Actually, I think Lexy and Torren could share Torren's room instead?" Teyla countered with absolutely no contrary or weird look on her face but there had to have been something, because Bobbie was suddenly sporting a sly and weird one of her own.

 

"As long as the two of you think it's okay," Bobbie nodded. "And I suppose Jinto is off sparking the Pendleton girl?"

 

"He will be back with the groceries in time for dinner." Teyla responded confidently.

 

"Well then, supper's served at six-thirty, Rodney. So you have time to freshen up and maybe even get in a short nap," Bobbie redirected her attention back his way, her expression now one of friendliness and finality. "Lexy can bed down on Torren's for now; I'm sure I can find something to keep him busy with so he doesn't bother her. Course, that's assuming she's not allergic to cats. All the common areas and occupied bedrooms in the main house are fair game to them, though feel free to keep your door shut if that's going to be a problem. Or we could open up one of the cottages… I can't guarantee Mr. Whiskers or Jellyroll won't find a way in even with a closed door once they figure out someone's arrived, but -- Oh, do either of you have any food aller --"

 

Just as Rodney was about to put forth the evils of citrus, the unmistakable sound of an approaching helicopter interrupted and Rodney's words as well as his throat dried up. Teyla gave him an unmistakably sympathetic look and handed Torren to an unsurprised Ronon so she could then tug Lexy from Rodney's arms.

 

He looked at her, bewildered, but let Lexy go, his gaze going back into the sky to get his first glimpse almost without conscious volition.

 

"Rodney, yours and Lexy's allergies?" Teyla prompted.

 

"Ah, no on cats and yes on citrus -- for the both of us," he choked out, unable to take his eyes off the now looming chopper. It looked an awful lot like one of the Hueys that used to get them from McMurdo to the SGC's Antarctic base and, sure, there were probably civilian versions of that type of craft, but this one still had its military markings showing through a sloppy repaint job.

 

"Oh, good, they're back early," Bobbie sounded genuinely pleased and for a brief moment, Rodney wanted to hit her.

 

He so wasn't ready for this -- would _never_ be ready for this.

 

Lexy started in with a wail however, from the noise and the rising wind, no doubt, but before Rodney could reclaim her from Teyla. Teyla moved, sliding away with Lexy around to the other side of the van while whispering something toward the head she was now sheltering. Figuring to use Torren against her since what kid would like seeing his mom comforting someone else's kid, Rodney looked around. Ronon wasn't holding the kid on his hip any longer, but he -- and Halling -- were both gripping the squirming boy back who, of course, wanted to run toward the aircraft and was giving excited shouts of 'papa, papa,'.

 

Even if Rodney had predicted it, how could he be ready for _that_?

 

Yet he was stuck; doomed to let everything play out, having to make nice because even if he _loved_ John (too late, too late), he also loved Teyla and who was he to deny them some sort of happiness when they'd both been forced to leave their home. He'd done this to himself, after all, had done the exact same thing with Jennifer even though he'd had a winkling of his own feelings about John and had had a pretty good idea about John's feelings in return.

 

Nor was it likely he could escape, not with Teyla keeping Lexy hostage to his good behavior and knowing that he'd already been seen by those now hovering above the ground even if he hadn't yet been recognized. Rodney knew it would damage things irreparably if he left now. His friends weren't simply going to forget that he'd been here and fled before seeing John -- even if that's exactly what John had last done to him.

 

"Papa," Torren shouted again, now that the craft touched down feather-smooth and the rotors slowly began their spiraled halt. The child was contained for another minute or so until everyone was sure the copter wasn't going to suddenly start up again, then once the doors opened, he was allowed to wriggle and was off like a shot.

 

Only he wasn't racing on chubby legs for the pilot's side of the craft.

 

"Papa!" he called out to the _passenger_, giving Rodney a moment of pure cognitive dissonance.

 

Further valuable brain cells were quickly destroyed when he recognized that the passenger was _Sergeant Bates,_ who was now bending over to pick up and exchange messy kisses with Torren. The same guy who, in their first year on Atlantis, had constantly butted heads with John's way of command, had actually gotten into a _brawl_ with Teyla, and was the idiot who'd done his best to have Teyla and the rest of the Athosians branded as a Wraith collaborators so he could remove them from Atlantis.

 

"You have got to be kidding me!"

 

He didn't need to turn around to know that Teyla was now laughing at him, that she'd held off this news simply _to_ laugh at him. At any other time he would have promised dire revenge, but been laughing about it too for it was rare for anyone to be able to surprise him this badly. But to turn now, to give her _any_ of his attention would mean to turn _away_ from John and, frankly, Rodney had done enough of that to last a lifetime.

 

So he just watched as, upon alighting from the helicopter, John's gaze swept the landscape in a fashion Rodney had seen on a hundred different missions. Assessing threat levels as well as ensuring that the people he was expecting to see were fine and all accounted for. When that gaze swept over Rodney, for a moment there was nothing but peace and relief before moving on: no danger; all is well; team is safe. Only then John's brain actually processed what it had seen, and his attention focused back on Rodney with a snap.

 

Rodney was having his own moment of shock to deal with. No matter how Rodney might have hoped, of course John hadn't escaped Atlantis unscathed either. While _something_ had been predictable given Teyla and Ronon's permanent injuries -- given how almost eager John had always seemed to take on any danger if it would spare someone else -- still Rodney preferred to think of the John who'd had the Devil's own luck considering how often he should have already died or been otherwise broken and marked.

 

Although, really -- mostly -- John _didn't_ look too much changed. Only a broad streak of white in John's otherwise still dark and messy hair (that, surprisingly, wasn't matched in his beard), actually revealed what had to have happened; if not the nightmare of another Wraith feeding, then something equally as traumatic.

 

There was something else about the way John looked and moved despite not being so obviously scarred like Ronon or crippled like Teyla that still had Rodney deciding it had to have been a Wraith. Maybe only for a few seconds, less than a minute surely as no _years_ were lost, but still long enough to make John seem vulnerable in ways being nearly killed by an iratus bug, being turning _into_ a kind of iratus bug, or temporarily becoming _Todd's_ Wraith plaything never had. This was a John who, like all of the others standing before Rodney, had been stripped bare of his masks. Maybe he was actually the better for it -- certainly was the more _honest_ for it -- yet it was also damn disturbing.

 

Never had Rodney felt so much the outsider, not even when he'd entered college at the age of fifteen, had been summoned to the SGC for that first time, or even after he'd been exiled to Siberia.

 

If only that had been the end of it.

 

For as bad as this initial moment was, seeing the blank mask John had only worn around General Landry and certain other brass and politicians _now_ coming down over John's face as he really _recognized_ Rodney, was a thousand -- was an _infinite_ \-- times worse.

 

And continued to _get_ worse.

 

In the next breath John simply dismissed Rodney's presence. He moved to say something to Bates and accept his own messy kiss from Torren before sending a glance toward Ronon, Halling and Teyla that held something like anger and no doubt betrayal in it even as he nodded some sort of hello.

 

Teyla was the only one who didn't look troubled in return, who held her chin up in a very familiar gesture as if daring John to say it. Even Bobbie looked uncomfortable, an outsider herself in this, but still long privy to the moods of the boy she'd watch grow up one summer at a time.

 

"John, this is Bethany _Lexington_." Teyla didn't relent in the slightest. "Rodney and Jennifer's daughter. Rodney and Lexy have come to visit with us. Lexy, this is --"

 

"Uncle Dhon!"

 

Rodney wasn't certain which of them looked the most gutted at that utterly guileless acknowledgement from his daughter. There had been pictures, of course, a little bit of video that even Jennifer hadn't forbidden being shown to Lexy since Jennifer would have had to fight Jeanie about showing it.

 

Like her Aunt Jeanie, Lexy wasn't one to be denied. And John stood no chance with Teyla clearly on Lexy's side. In the next moment John had an excited toddler in his hands and not even he was that much of an ass to let her drop, or to hurt her intentionally. He even let her smack her lips against his jaw and then smiled ruefully when she spit in distaste at the feel of his beard.

 

"Torren doesn't like it either," he said softly, as if he was sharing a secret just with her. For a moment he simply looked charmed and maybe even a little glad to be immediately accepted by someone he'd never met. Right up until he remembered he had an audience -- and just who that audience contained. With another warning look at Teyla, John turned and moved the few steps to Rodney, somehow without ever actually looking Rodney's direction.

 

"Here's your daddy," he spoke again only to Lexy, still gentle and without letting any of the harshness in his expression color his tone.

 

Because it _was_ daddy, Lexy let herself be shifted once more without too much fuss, and of course it was Rodney's turn to react automatically and direct his attention to his daughter for the few moments it took them to settle.

 

Time enough for John to be disappearing into the house, with several thoughtful as well as disappointed looks following him.

 

*******

 

Rodney couldn't nap of course. Even under normal circumstances he slept only a few hours at a time as he could never shut down his brain to even a few threads of thought. Right now he only had a few -- yet definitely one too many -- one that all of his vaunted genius wasn't going to be able to work through. At least not by himself.

 

John couldn't forgive him.

 

Appreciating this spot of quiet for Lexy's sake, though, Rodney did his best to just loose himself in watching her sleep for a while. She'd done very well with all of the new faces, not to mention the other new and strange assaults on the rest of her senses. Like horses, which were pretty to look at but smelled like any other animal that crapped when and where it felt like it. Before he'd put Lexy down, he'd begun to see her searching for Jennifer's face amidst the others cooing over her, and there was nothing worse than a squalling child to outstay a welcome.

 

Well, other than that child's father.

 

Teyla had hovered for the first half hour after getting Lexy drowsing on Torren's little race car bed; happy enough to let Bates -- Gene -- look after Torren. Rodney got the impression that concession hadn't been so much of a holdout from Torren's first year where Kanaan did most of the caretaking (since Teyla had remained active on John's gate team), as it was because John and Ba -- Gene -- had been gone for several days in John's helicopter. Off to the local Air Force base to overhear Red and John speaking of it; something of a regular occurrence every few months.

 

Teyla had spoken lightly of her and Gene reacquainting themselves with one another after John had apparently stolen Gene away from the IOA to run security here on the ranch. It didn't take a genius to figure out there was a little more going on underneath the surface than just raising horses, but Rodney had always been understanding about confidentiality clauses even if this secret just added more fuel to his outsider fire. Still, he had plenty of the personal kinds of secrets to ferret   out,  along  with  a  guilty  enough Teyla that she was willing to spill. About everyone other than John, of course.

 

So he heard about how Teyla had been wooed and how much Gene's attention had helped Teyla fill in some of the empty places in her heart. How they would tell Torren about Kanaan and the other Athosians once he was older, although none of them were sure about how much to tell about having lived in another galaxy; no doubt whether or not the Stargate program and the existence of extraterrestrials ever became declassified would be part of that final decision.

 

Rodney also knew now what had happened to Ronon, what Teyla had undergone herself, and Teyla had gone so far as to confirm that John indeed had been fed on by a Wraith -- by _Todd_ and apparently willingly. He'd also heard more about Shen's reign in Atlantis, and of the deteriorating relationships with the rest of the Pegasus galaxy, and knew that he'd have a few nightmares to work out over that knowledge. Even without Michael and his plague, and despite the personal things about his friends that had changed for the better (like all of them _not_ dying), it sounded like the future John had told them was still on the verge of coming true. Obviously he need to figure out what kind of suggestions he could push through Sam so that Teyla and Ronon (and John) would stop worrying that they might have made the wrong choice in coming to Earth.

 

The first thing he needed to make happen was getting Shen Xiaoyi out of Atlantis, even if Rodney was pretty sure his old team was never going to go back.

 

But those were thoughts for another day; Rodney first needed to figure out what he was going to do _today_.

 

"If you want to visit with your friends, I'll be happy to watch over her sleep," a slow drawl came from behind him, one similar enough to John's to bring pain even if it did fill in another couple of holes in the design Rodney had created about John Sheppard's life.

 

Looking up from where he rocked in the chair next to Torren's bed, Teyla Kitty in his hands as Lexy always slept with Dragon Ronon and Carson the Sheep, Rodney took in Red's lean against the doorway, not quite so bonelessly as John's, yet again the echo of something all too familiar.

 

Red Winston was as old as his wife, with no trace of red remaining in his hair that Rodney assumed had once been the source of his name. He still stood tall and robust instead of stooped or beaten down by his years. In many ways Red actually reminded Rodney of Teyla more than John -- or more of how he expected Teyla would become with a few more years on her. That same innate, steadfast calm with their place in the world -- and its expectations -- only in Red, also tempered with an affability and undercurrent of amusement that Teyla had never been safe long enough before to learn. Though, Rodney hoped, she just might get that now.

 

Still, Rodney could see John adapting this too from Red, in some future where John wasn't responsible for anything but himself and the people closest to him.

 

 

Rodney really would like to see that, for John's sake if not for his own.

 

"I, yes, thank you." Outside of Lexy, the best thing Jennifer had given Rodney was the ability to finally accept someone else's help or good wishes without expecting it was only being done by someone to have a hold over him. "I would appreciate it."

 

"John's sulking in his rooms right now, but the others are all working -- or more likely _watching_ \-- Halling and Wex out in the workshop. Wex is pretty hopeless with tools, but so damn eager to help that no one has the heart to tell him no. Just listen for his and Torren's warbling to one of John's cds to find your way."

 

Rodney nodded and bent to give Lexy a kiss before slowly rising to move toward the door.

 

"I don't expect I need to tell you how John gets when he's been blind-sided," Red wasn't quite done. "But this little gal here is going to make you pretty hard to ignore. Though I imagine you do okay on that count all by yourself," he let a measured grin take his face and, okay, John might not have talked about him much, but it sounded like Teyla or Ronon had told a few stories.

 

"I, ah, I … left. Him," Rodney stuttered. "I never took into account how my leaving might have affected other people because, like normal, everything was only about me. I never even really said good-bye."

 

Red nodded, as if he wasn't hearing anything he didn't already know or at least suspect.

 

"Maybe, boy, but you came back. And with John, it's always been about what you do, not what you say. His Pappy never did understand that."

 

And Rodney had forgot. Because for so long, words were all he'd known he had to offer.

 

He thanked Red again and headed out. Once he made it out the front door he could hear exactly what Red had been talking about; obviously John had been introducing more than just Earth customs or ranching to the Athosians. Rodney had never heard Johnny Cash sung to quite so … enthusiastically. He was blaming it all on Wex, whose tenor wasn't quite as shrill as Torren's, but was still high and loud enough to put glass on notice.

 

"Red thought you might be able to use an engineer in here," Rodney inserted between verses; forcing himself to take those steps into what turned out to be a workshop with about as many tools as similar labs in Atlantis, instead of hovering at the door.

 

"Hey, Doc, yeah," Bates welcomed him with a lot more warmth than Rodney was expecting.

 

The Bates he'd known had been a hard ass even for a Marine.

 

"We've managed to cut the replacement pieces, but none of us are completely sure how they're supposed to fit together."

 

Somehow Rodney suspected Halling at least knew his way around crafting beds, since he'd always been the go-to-guy when any of the expedition needed some sort of custom piece of furniture for their quarters that were too pricey or bulky to ship over from Earth on the _Daedelus_. Yet even Halling looked pleased at Rodney's arrival, and Rodney decided this was another instance to stop looking for the stick when he was offered a carrot.

 

Torren was sitting on Teyla's lap, doing his best to talk his mama into singing along with them, while she was playing foreman and directing Wex through several boxes to find things to add to the small empire of toys currently at her feet. Ronon and Halling were holding an end and a side of what might be a bed together while Bates was trying to figure out why the hinges weren't lining up.

 

Even with Rodney's supervision, it took them a couple more tries and a couple of hours, since Rodney wasn't keen on a bed shorter by even an inch on the bottom since it was going to be Lexy's. It was easier to talk them into just using the mattress and not the box springs since Torren's was so low to the ground and they didn't want either child jealous of the other. There weren't any pink sheets to use with them, but there were some cool dark blue ones with planets and spaceships that had John's influence all over them (too new to be some of John's old sheets, although if something similar had existed back then, John would have wanted them), that Rodney was pretty sure Lexy was going to love. She'd had the glow in the dark stars on her ceiling, done twice when Jennifer hadn't bothered to put them up correctly, and she could already identify the Big and Little Dippers and Orion.

 

Rodney had been going to blame the racing car bed on John too, but it turned out Ronon had become a huge fan of NASCAR.

 

Considering Rodney wasn't sure he and Lexy were going to stay for more than the night, everyone was going to a lot of effort; more toys had been gathered for Lexy than Rodney thought he and Jennifer had owned. And no one seemed to mind filling up the rest of their afternoon helping him relocate the chest for the toys from the attic loft, or helping him unbox a couple of the ones he'd kept in the van -- most of Rodney's and Lexy's things were being held in storage until he figured out where he was going to live but both of them still had immediate needs.

 

This time also gave Rodney the opportunity to fill them in on his and Jennifer's current relationship without him having to really look at anyone while he helped Teyla put the sheets on the beds. "Don't get me wrong, I did -- still do -- love Jennifer. And I think she really did have feelings for me. I even think there will be some point in the not too distant future where we can be in the same room with each other without using Lexy as interference," he offered only a little optimistically.

 

Jennifer had certainly crossed the line when she'd withheld messages as well as information from him about Atlantis, but he could still understand why she'd felt she needed to do it. And one day he really did think he could forgive her for that, just as he hoped she'd forgive him for _Lexington_, and for not being able to put her first in his life.

 

"I think she would be happy to hear from any of you if you want to email her."

 

Teyla smiled back and nodded. That last bit really was more just for her and Ronon, since Bates hadn't ever even met Jennifer, and while she'd been the one to get Halling and the boys through the shit Michael had done to them --

 

No, they'd probably be good with saying hi to Jennifer too, and she'd probably be thrilled to hear that they, at least, were still alive and thriving.

 

"Basically, the trouble came down to both of us having expectations on how things would be instead of how they were, and in being disappointed when no one changed," he shrugged. "I guess it finally all came to a head when she found out where I'd come up with the name Lexington. Jennifer accused me of loving John more than her and, well, I realized she was right."

 

And because Rodney's life had become a clichéd _Lifetime_ movie of the week, he didn't need to turn around to know that John now standing at the door behind him even if he hadn't had Halling and Teyla's suddenly sympathetic faces or Bates' twisting expression of mortification. Ronon, of course, was silently laughing.

 

"Ah, Bobbie said to tell you you've only a half hour to wash up. And, uh, Rodney, Lexy's awake. Bobbie has her helping roll dough."

 

John didn't sound normal, but he also didn't have that tone of heavy sarcasm or icy politeness he used on people like the Genii either so Rodney counted it as a win.

 

He just still couldn't make his body turn around.

 

"Jinto has returned?" Halling asked in the ensuing awkwardness.

 

"Yeah," John sounded eager to provide an answer to that. "He and I got the tack and feed put away. I think he's helping Wex now with getting Torren into a bath. Wex apparently got the glow in the dark slime kit out and Torren decided it needed to sparkle as well as glow if he was going to wallow in it, so he found some of the Christmas glitter."

 

Bates and Teyla both began laughing at that, and even John sounded amused, so Rodney took the chance and turned. John mainly looked sweaty -- like someone had spent a couple of hours doing some heavy lifting -- but he also looked relaxed and not particularly blank or angry. He also looked so damn good, the white streak in his hair making Rodney think about Rogue and the X-Men, which was only fitting since John had always been so awkward about being touched.

 

He met Rodney's eyes, his hand going to the back of his neck that, even though it gave away John's uneasiness, was still so much more welcome to see than the mask of Atlantis' Military Commander.

 

"Uh, I also called and had Jinto bring back a couple of steaks and hot dogs for the grill; Bobbie had Tilapia for everyone else, but she --"

 

"Marinates in lemon juice," Rodney finished for him, his own voice uncharacteristically softened.

 

John shrugged. "Lime juice, garlic and tarragon, but …. Uh, are hot dogs okay for Lexy?"

 

"Not if you listen to Jennifer, but they're okay even for me if you don't want to go the hassle with the steaks."

 

This got a nod and then another shrug. "They're already marinating in oil, hickory salt and onion, --"

 

"I'll eat it if McKay doesn't want it," Ronon spoke up. "And the Tilapia."

 

"Yeah, big surprise there," John let a shadow of a smile brush his lips before nodding and disappearing once more.

 

It wasn't normal, but it was _some_thing.

 

 

**1+1**

**January 27, 2013**

** _Na Fir-Chlis_ ** ** Ranch**

_Jennifer accused me of loving John more than her and, well, I realized she was right._

 

John didn't know if he was feeling more relived or resentful that Rodney had finally admitted it. He'd known -- well, had been pretty sure -- that Rodney had felt something more than friendship for him back on Atlantis, even if it hadn't been as strongly as John had felt for Rodney. John had even understood chasing the whole white-picket fence thing, seeing as he'd done it himself with Nancy all those years ago. Katie Brown -- even Jennifer -- hadn't been _that_ big a deal when they'd been on Atlantis, because he and the two women had all had to take a back seat to Rodney's science and Atlantis; it was hard to be jealous of the very things that made John fall in love with Rodney in the first place.

 

Being rejected however, as thoroughly as Rodney had rejected him, the team -- Atlantis --

 

Well that had been something else entirely, and even if John had figured then that Rodney might not ever be coming back, he'd never expected Rodney to abandon them so completely. In that other timeline, that Rodney (_his_ Rodney) had devoted himself to finding a way of bringing John back from 48,000 years in the future, for fuck's sake! To fix the types of things Rodney this time had ignored.

 

He'd never spoken with anyone about coming back to that new Atlantis, the one that hadn't ever existed until Rodney made it happen so it wasn't like the others weren't exactly the same people he'd left, with the exact same thoughts and feelings and experiences. Not even Sam had brought it up when they'd talked about her own trips though time and changing timelines. Kate might have suspected John wasn't quite as sanguine about hopping universes as easy as stepping through a wormhole, but she'd also died much too soon afterward to ever confront John about it -- or help him work through it.

 

He couldn’t even talk to Rodney about it, because it had been Rodney who'd sacrificed everything to save John -- to give John this -- and how fucking ungrateful would that have been?

 

_A difference that makes no difference is no difference._

 

Except John couldn't ever stop knowing that everyone he knew had died and that he lived in a rebooted universe.

 

And that was why John wasn't sure he could just forgive this Rodney.

 

True, he had no way of knowing or even expecting that had Rodney been there with them on P7X-139, Ronon still wouldn't have gone down and lost his eye. And he had only himself to blame for what happened to Teyla and the Athosians, as well as what he'd done for Todd. Somehow, though, he didn't think that Shen Xiaoyi would have survived in her post for even months, much less years, if Rodney had still been heading up Science instead of Zelenka.

 

Not that any of this had been Radek's fault either; but no one suffered fools less than Rodney McKay, and no one else was the smartest man in two galaxies and so could get away with telling someone like Xiaoyi (or Elizabeth, Richard or even Sam), when they were being an ass. Rodney would have found a way to make Xiaoyi believe she was the one wanting to leave instead of realizing she was being forced away and, sure, there was no saying the next person the IOA brought in would have been any better (but it would be hard to imagine anyone being worse). Or that they couldn't have fought another inappropriate mission leader and shit mission ad infinitum, as long as they were _all_ there fighting together.

 

Rodney had rewritten the Universe for him once, so now John blamed him for not doing it again.

 

God, he really was an ungrateful bastard.

 

Letting the hot pulses of water beat down on his neck and shoulders, John resolutely stopped thinking about Rodney. He certainly wasn't picturing how good Rodney looked even though he'd put on a few pounds since returning to Earth. It's not like he'd gone back to his pre Atlantis weight (which had been attractive even then, in his damn orange fleece). 

 

Okay, maybe not so resolute, but he could at least think about what wasn't good with age. Rodney hadn't really lost any more hair, but he hadn't gained any either and … and… And John had nothing. Earth had been good for Rodney, who had far fewer stress lines around his eyes and lips, and the gentleness that had peeked out whenever Rodney interacted with Torren was pretty much a regular fixture now to Rodney's expression.

 

Had it been someone else, John might have been concerned that Rodney had softened too much and lost an essential piece of his Rodneyness, but even if Jennifer had managed to neuter him, John knew it could only have been temporarily. Rodney need only immerse himself again in his work and the bite would be back. Because other than Radek, Simpson, Lee and Sam Carter, even John could recognize that the scientists now filling the ranks of the SGC were indeed idiots.

 

John let his head fall against the tiles in front of him and ignored how he wished he could still just think that he needed the water pounding out all of the thoughts in his brain and it would. Obviously there was a part of him that had already accepted Rodney being here even if the rest of him wanted to rant and wave his hands and pretty much just have a hissy fit of Rodneyesque proportions. Worse, though, was the part of him that was also expecting Rodney to _stay_, and if he was wrong about that --

 

He shut the water off and began to brusquely towel dry.

 

It was obvious that Ronon and Teyla had already forgiven Rodney; assuming they'd held any blame to him in the first place. Gene and Halling would stay neutral and John wasn't about to play their loyalty to him against them -- or against Rodney. If one of them had a strong enough opinion they'd let John know about it, but would otherwise roll with whatever the outcome like Bobbie and Red …

 

Certainly Lexy had already enchanted _them_ both, and they'd heard enough about Rodney over the last couple of years that they'd be prepared for just about anything Rodney could throw at them. These were the two who'd stood up to Patrick Sheppard long before anyone else and had remained -- were _still_ here -- as caretakers on Patrick's ranch years after John's father's death. They wouldn’t be intimidated, _couldn’t_ be bullied, and would be the first to call Rodney on his bullshit. Just as they would also be right there with the others, backing John's call if he turned Rodney away, saving any admonishments for private as they'd never let John slide when _he_ was being an idiot.

 

So was he being an idiot?

 

Or just a thirteen year old girl?

 

He'd made a pretty good life for himself here. For the others too, he hoped. He'd even reconciled himself with the idea that it was unlikely he'd ever return to Atlantis, certainly not in the capacity as its military commander. Sure he missed the city herself, and flying the puddle jumpers, and sometimes even the thrill and peril, because what he'd been doing in the Pegasus galaxy _had_ made a difference and he wasn't without his own ego. But he still had the air here and his team. He was involved with research that even involved bits and pieces of Ancient tech that the SGC sometimes sent over; plus he got to train new soldiers and gate teams as well as offer a sanctuary of sorts to SGC veterans when they needed a place to rest or recover from the shit still happened on the other side of the 'gate no matter in which galaxy.

 

He'd even managed to reconcile with Dave.

 

And Rodney meant a lot more to him than his big brother.

 

 

**2**

**January 28, 2013**

** _Na Fir-Chlis_ ** ** Ranch**

 

The last place Rodney had expected to find himself was in the surprisingly large (given the size of the one John'd had in Atlantis) bed of John Sheppard. Sure, Rodney had _hoped_ he'd end up here -- eventually. He'd simply expected there would be a lot more 'trying to win back John's trust' involved first, instead of just sharing a really good steak and two bottles of beer.

 

Not that he and John had ever really talked about what had happened after Doranda either -- aside from Rodney apologizing and expressing his regrets and John saying something about having to work at regaining his trust. Things between them weren't 'normal' until, suddenly, they just were.

 

So why had he expected it to be any different this time? Why was he expecting John to be different, especially when he hadn't _wanted_ John to be?

 

Fuck, how had he managed to fall in love with someone who had an almost pathological fear of talking?

 

"Do you need to check on Lexy?" came a mumble from next to his shoulder.

 

"Huh? What?"

 

"You're awake at," John lifted his head just enough to check the bedside clock, "at 0300 without your computer or even a pad of paper. So you're not thinking, you're worrying. Lexy seems a logical conclusion."

 

Because, of course, if John invited Rodney into his bed and into his body, things were fine between them. As if life really was that easy.

 

Only, in Atlantis, it had been. Or, at least the near daily disasters had had a way of distilling down things like rivalries or grudges as unimportant. It was that whole 'Band of Brothers' thing that John had lived amongst his whole adult life.

 

Maybe it really was just that easy. You did your job; you protected your people; you trusted your team. Black and white; one or zero -- actions speak louder than words.

 

He and John had always argued and, sometimes, they'd truly gotten mad at one another. Except for a couple of notable exceptions, however, they'd also been able to trust that the other would have his back regardless. The conflicts between them, the ones they weren't actively seeking as a form of foreplay, had always stemmed from the different ways the two of them interpreted those first two tenets of the John Sheppard Credo. Yet as long as the conflict never touched the third tenet, anything would be forgiven.

 

"Not worrying," Rodney tugged on John until he had John's head mashed against his neck instead of his shoulder, and waited for John's legs to creep under his own before bestowing a kiss that was mainly to spikey, but just as soft as he'd always imagined, even the white tufts of hair.

 

"Not worrying, John. Not any longer."

 

\--finis--

 

 


End file.
